Worries

Oh, this is quite bothering. My mentor-friend, Kuya Sharky, told me to stop worrying about my submitted story. He said it's part of the process and I just need to get back to it after two days. Well, that is sort of a reasonable break but why am I fretting this way?

I'm having this bad feeling that my story won't satisfy my professor. He's the one who'll approve or reject my work. It's hard to please him with an expert's work, what more with a beginner's work like mine. It's just that I did put all my efforts to edit and revise my story so I am quite nervous about his criticisms. I know it will be a great help to me but I'm still afraid of what his up to say. I still got that trauma grade in his subject.

Hmm, maybe I'm just a bit paranoid over things that haven't occurred yet. I must relax first and get my mind off that story. Yeah, I must relax and stay calm. Calm. Calm. Calm.

***

My one and only seems to be treating me as his friend again. Well, yes, he really never treated me more than that. I'm just assuming.. ^.^ Anyway, I don't know if I can summon enough courage to express all my feelings for him. I mean all my feelings; from loving to even nearly hating him. I want to say all these things to him but I'm not yet prepared for the consequence. I'm not yet ready to take that fucking risk.

Forgive me if I'm a coward when it comes to him. It's just that, he's the most important guy ,next to dad, in my life. I can't afford to make faults or bad moves. Whew. Excuses.

This is hard to admit. Honestly, I'm not afraid of what he has to say. It's his friends which I'm worried more about. His closest buds are also my close friends but, well, those "friends" that surrounds him are the people that make me hesitant. They might react violently. They might say bad or even worst things about me. There will be eyebrows raised and I will not be comfortable with it.

The more I see them the more I become hesitant. I don't want this thing to become a hindrance to my love for him but this is reality. This is not a fairy tale that ends in a happily-ever-after so I must weigh things. I must see things beforehand so when they come I'm prepared.

But then, a second thought came. If I love him and only him, why consider these people? Why still consider all the negative implications. This is LOVE and not a RESEARCH PROJECT. I have to immerse myself to it. It must me subjective. It must not follow theories, laws and studies. It must travel its own road. It must come into life. It has to be expressed. :)

Love

The gradient scent of Christmas filled the air as we walk around the downtown. I was wearing a red floral dress and he was in his white polo shirt and pants. We were like a living Christmas decor at this sight but we did not care.When he fetched me from home we were ridiculously laughing at each other. But it's not important. I was with him. He was with me. That matters most.

We decided to take our dinner in a cozy restaurant near the city park. The food was great. We had some small conversations in between our meals. He even cracked a joke and I laughed so hard that he tried to cover my mouth because an old couple was already glaring at us. I gave in and started to calm myself as I lovingly pinched his arm. He always makes me outburst of laughter whenever I'm with him.

It was now the time to go to church and hear the Yuletide mass. He payed our bill and gave the waiter a cheerful greeting of "Merry Christmas". He held me near him as we walked passed the crowded streets. We were walking with our hands clasped as we approached the majestic church. It was ornamented magically. The lanterns that welcomed the church-goers were brightly lit. It was a breath taking night. I closed my eyes to feel the season; I wanted to remember every detail of this night. I kissed him lightly on his cheek when I opened my eyes. He was caught off-guard then simply gave me a wide grin in response. We felt the Christmas breeze on our faces and heard the leaves rustled peacefully. We entered the church and listened intently to the mass.

We haven't left the church even after the mass. I needed a few moments more of silence with him in front of our Creator. I knelt and prayed hard to Him to give us many more Christmas together. If forever's impossible, a lifetime will be good enough. I noticed that he was staring at me with tears rolling down his handsome face. I wiped it and smiled at him. He knew what I prayed to God. He knew it will happen not for long. He wrapped his arms around me, so tight that I felt his warm body engulfing every nerve of my body. I hugged him, too. I ran my fingers through his velvet hair, looked him deep in the eyes, touched them, and finally caressed his nose and lips. I will never forget his face.

This is my last memory of him. I passed away a night after this. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor a year ago. It went from worse to worst. That day was miraculously the most normal day of my life since I was diagnosed with this tumor. I have no regrets. I love him and I will always do. Two years had already passed and though he hasn't found another girl I always wish him to find one. I even bugged Him to give my beloved someone who will take away the pain. I was surprised when He told me that he had already tried to give him one but he refused to accept it. Our Creator said, "He will love you up to his last breath. He swore this to me the very minute you told him your condition."

Hope. Love. Christmas.

After all the talked about controversies in our country, Christmas is still a season everyone looks forward to. The grave act of human slaughtering never failed to anger all of us. The undeclared mansions of some infamous government official caught the eyes of the mass. The storms that left the country miserably glimpsing at the sight of Apocalypse had damaged and somehow enlightened the nation that a much stronger force does exist. The threatening Mt. Mayon alarmed hundreds and even thousands of indigenous people. Nevertheless, Christmas has passed its path. It has saddened the few but it has become the hope of the many. And as of course, a general but forgotten knowledge, the birth of our Savior served as the hope of the millions.

As I scribble this, a realization hits me. There are times when you want to give everything you have but people just don't get contented with it. Just when you're passionately spreading your love, it seems to be just not enough. No matter how willing you urge to give, sometimes it's not just enough. So, then you will ask, why still give hope and spread love?

He loves us without question. He extends his help through the people we meet. He gives us hope when all things just go tough and rough. But had he ever stopped? Had he ever given us up? But what do we give Him in return? Doubts? Threats? Burdens? Sins? And what do we do whenever the things He gives just seem not to fulfill us? He had never walked away. He had never let us go. So now, we ask ourselves, is there still a chance for us to help others? The answer must be plain and simple.

We help because we love. We love because we are also in need of affection and acceptance. We are in need of affection and acceptance because we are social beings. We are social beings because God has made us to be.

To the 'founders' and steering committee of Spread the Love Movement, I commend each of you. Thank you for sharing your gifts to our brothers and sisters in need. Thank you for giving me and my friends the chance to extend our love to them. Thank you for a meaningful Christmas. May this continue as another year unfolds. God bless us all!

Merry Christmas! :)

Paranoid

me scared. he seems to be mad at me or something. oh. :(
he's not returning my messages(though he's not obliged) but..oh please..what have i done?
im worried. really worried.