Even when you´re gone, somehow you come along just like a flower poking through the sidewalk crack.

and just like that, you steal away the rain and just like that... You make me smile like the sun. Fall outta bed. Sing like a bird. Dizzy in my head. Spin like a record. Crazy on a Sunday night. You make me dance like a fool. Forget how to breathe. Shine like gold, buzz like a bee. Just the thought of you can drive me wild. Oh, you make me smile... ^_____^


Finale: Last Part


Ilang oras na lang at tapos na ang taong ito.

Eto na rin nga pala ang last post ko sa ever-loyal na blog ko. New Year's resolution ba kamo?

Teka ano nga bang akin? Wala eh, ako yung tipo ng tao na walang ganyang kaartehan. Sus.
Magbabago ako kung kelan ko gusto magbago. Walang pakialamanan.

(pasensya kung walang kalatoy-latoy ang last post ko. wala na talaga akong gana eh.)

Ganito na lang, kasabay nang pagtatapos ng taon pasasalamatan ko rin ang mga masusugid kong mambabasa hanggang sa huling post na 'to.

Special mention si Naxcz, salamat sa pag-introduce sakin ng blogger. The best. Wala na kong rason para magbigti at maglaslas dahil sa blog na 'to. Malaking tulong sa aking emotional growth. Thank you friend! I love you!

Sa Xing & Co.- Of course alam niyo 'to. Salamat sa pag-effort na maging updated despite our distance. Hahaha. Mahal ko kayo!

Sa mga kapwa ko blogger- Siyet! Mababawasan ang blogger sa mundo. Hahaha. Salamat sa paminsan-minsang pagbisita sa mundo ko, at sa pagiging bukas din sainyong mga mundo. Huwag kayong mag-alala magbabasa pa rin ako ng mga blog niyo.

Sa mga kaibigang nabulungan ko ng URL ng aking blog. Salamat sa pag-aaksaya ng oras sa pagbasa ng baliw kong isipan.

Sa mga stalker na nagsariling sikap para mahanap ang blog ko, mabuti man o masama ang mga intensyon niyo, SALAMAT ng bonggang-bongga! Tumaas man ang mga kilay niyo, wala akong paki, salamat pa rin! Ngumiti man kayo ng abot langit, mas salamat! Hahaha! Believe me, mahal ko rin kayo. Tama na kasi insecurity, ako lang 'to o. Diyosa lang. Pasensya na. Hahahaha! Kidding!

Sa mga lalaking nabida sa blog na 'to- Magpakalalaki kayo! JOKE! I mean, salamat, hindi tuloy nauubusan ng kwento ang blog ko. Hahaha. Salamat sa mga iniyakan kong gabi dahil sainyo. Salamat sa mga kilig moments. Salamat sa mga hindi ko makakalimutang tuwa na minsang ibinigay niyo sakin.

Sa lalaking mahal ko, (ambaduy pakinggan. hahaha. nagbabasa ka kaya nito?) salamat! Salamat sa pagbibigay kulay sa last quarter ng taon ko. Salamat sa pag-doodle ng puso sa mga mata ko. (siyet, makeso! hahaha.) Salamat sa mga mahihigpit na yakap. Salamat sa mga morning greetings at sa mga good night. Salamat sa sorry na inulit-ulit mo nang masaktan mo ko. *geez* Salamat sa pagsshare ng ilang pangarap mo sa buhay. Salamat sa mga kwentong Brandon Boyd at Incubus. Salamat sa pagbibigay permiso na maging boyprend ko si Cloud. (buti pa si Cloud!) Hahaha. Salamat sa honesty. Salamat sa pagsama sakin sa SM kahit ayaw mo masyado dung pumunta. Salamat sa friendship bago ang lahat-lahat ng mga nangyari. Hahaha. Salamat sa pagsama sakin kapag gusto kong libutin ang university. Salamat sa mga pagtambay sa gym. Salamat sa saglit na paglaro mo ng table tennis. (sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, kinilig ako nun.syet!) Salamat sa sweetness. Salamat sa pagtawag ng hot fudge sundae sakin. Salamat! Palaisipan pa rin hanggang ngayon kung ano nga ba ang naramdaman at nararamdaman mo para sakin. Hindi ko na nga siguro malalaman. Naman! Unfair! Hahaha! Sabi mo kasi dati, hindi mo alam. Sana pagtinanong kita sa 2011, alam mo na ang sagot. Hahaha! Pasensya na kung medyo nakapagpagulo ako ng isip mo. Pasensya kung naabala ko kayo ni lady love mo. Paulit-ulit kong sasabihin 'to, NO REGRETS.

-----

So, pano ba 'yan mga ka-blog? Hanggang dito na lang muna. PAALAM! ^____^

*thank you*

You speak in riddles. Your intentions turn me on. I'm yours forever. Will you love me when I'm gone?

Finale: Part 2

Parang tanga lang. Nalulungkot dahil wala na ang aking mga pinsan. Hahaha. Di bale na, magkikita naman kami sa April. Ako naman ang pupuntang Manila. Hahaha.

----

Lintik. Nawawalan na ko ng gana magkwento. Tsk.

----

Potek. Devastated. Hahaha! Kaya ko 'to! Ako pa! Kaya ko 'to!


----

*walang pagsidlang kalungkutan.*

How do you do it, you make me feel like I do.

Finale: Part 1

I woke up 4:30 am. My cousins, aunts and uncles were busied by their preparation for departure. Upon waking up, I automatically grabbed my phone from the nearby drawer and checked the time. Three messages were left unread. One is from VP, he's asking if I want to join them in Clubm8. The second message is from an unregistered number, the person's asking me if I'm still up. The third message from a friend says, "It's 1:01. Gud nyt.." I stared at the message for a moment. I was thinking if the numbers have any significant meaning. There was nothing important in it, just a random announcement of the time. I glared at the message and smiled at the thought that my friend remembered me even at the wee hour of the day. Sweet. How I love the small things!

Last night before I went to sleep, I asked myself if I'm ready to kill this blog. I was running this for almost three years. This is my only connivance every time the world gets tougher as it seems. My blog is my only refuge in times of extremities. Everybody knows that I don't have a best friend, that's why I tell my stories to different people. I can say my blog is my best buddy. And for sure, I'm gonna miss her. *sigh* Maybe I just need to give up a little more. Before I get the nerves to hurt anyone, I should stop and sacrifice my only best friend. *sigh*

What tomorrow holds for my unwritten thoughts will just be blown by the breeze. Or maybe, I will just let my insane thoughts devour on me. *patay tayo dyan*

----

One thing more, I must forget my damned affection for somebody.

oo. sa'yo na nga oh. iyong-iyo na. huwag mo lang talaga 'yang papakawalan. tss.
----

Crap. I hate the sadness in my tone. It's tearing me apart.

Dear Readers.

This blog is created not for your pleasure of reading.

Consider yourself lucky if you tumble upon this site without my permission. But consider yourself privileged if I was the one who gave you the link.

I scribble personal stuff here, which means you have nothing to do with its contents but to keep them to yourself. Remember, if it is not your secret, it is not for you to tell.

I have nothing to brag about. I humbly write my post for my own satisfaction. It is my only way of coping through anxieties that this life has given me. You don't have the right to read this if you want to stalk me around. Come on, give me a break. I am not a celebrity to be followed nor a politician to be investigated. Your insecurities and idiosyncrasies only leave me with something to laugh. Get everything straight with your own wits. Do not use this to pin people down. I mean no threat so please, do not pull my trigger.

If your motives are insidious and malicious, I pity you.

My style of writing requires knowledge about me. It requires a penetration from the superficial. I don't right kid stuff here. I don't even go for immature psycho-babbling. You might be putting someone in danger by misinterpreting my posts. You might realize it after everything has been said and done. If I were you, either get your eyes off my blog or read with great comprehension.

I mean no harm just don't pull my trigger.



-The Author

Nauubusan na ko ng lyrics, baka naman pwedeng patawarin mo na ko? PLEASE. ^___^

Eeeee!

Hindi ako dapat bothered. Mabuti nga na mainis sya sakin di ba? Mabuti na yun. At least may reason na talaga. Hindi ako bothered. Hindi.

Siyet. Bothered ang lola mo.

Crap. Ewan. Wala naman ako usuallyng pakiaalam kung may maiinis sakin lalo na kung lalaki. Pero bat, ngayon...Pfft. Naku, Malean. Naku!

REPEAT AFTER ME: HINDI SI MALEAN BOTHERED. HINDI.


Naka-on line sya. Kaso di naman nagp-pm. Baka mas lalong nainis sakin. Hay, ano ba yan?


REPEAT AFTER ME: HINDI SI MALEAN BOTHERED. HINDI.


Nakakapraning naman 'to. Walang pm at walang reply sa text.
I-pm ko kya? Nahihiya kasi ako.
Eto na naman ako at mangungulit tapos biglang parang siya yung sisisihin ko sa mga nangyayari. Eee. Praning talaga ako. Hindi naman kasi sa ganun. Sorry na. Please. Isang message lang naman oh. ^____^


FOUR-LEAF CLOVER!!! ^____^

I let go, but there's just no one the gets me like you do.

-Yellowcards's Only One

Is the goddess forgiven?
Despite all the fuzz right now, I'm bothered.
Please. I'm really sorry.
Or should I just shut my mouth? *sigh*





-----

ay pagod na pagod na pagod na maghapon. i can use a hug right now. :|

Busiest 27.

I can't tell the whole story right now. I'm kinda busy entertaining by cousins. I had fun last night during the homecoming in Sci High. The after party was also something. But I missed half of it.

I jogged this morning and played basketball with my cousins. I missed them. It was like ages ago since we last met.

Whew.

Anyway, I want to watch Gayuma but I'm broke now and I can't go to any places because of my cousins. *sigh*


----

I just want to say sorry. :|

And here I go, losing my control. I'm practicing your name, So I can say it to your face.

- MYMP's Sway


Yey! Happy 3rd month kina Gorgeous and Comely. ^_____^

-----

Two months na rin para sakin.

-----

Na-carried away lang yata ako kagabi. Eeee. Nakakainis naman kasi talaga. Ansakit-sakit kaya. Hay, I just realized I've got so many things to tell you personally. I've got so many questions to ask. Kaso naduduwag ako sa mga isasagot mo. Maliban sa paulit-ulit na hindi mo alam ang sagot eh baka sadyang nakakatakot ang sasabihin mo. Hay.

Minsan naman sana matuto kang pigilan ako. Alam mo namang matigas ang ulo ka at nagtatapang-tapangan lang ako. Pasensya ka na, iba kasi ang pag-iinarte ko. Intindihin mo na lang. Hay. Ang gaga ko naman oh! Bat ba ko nagrerequest nito sa'yo eh eexit na nga ako? Grr.

----

Kasi naman, pag-huma-hot fudge sundae ka, wala na! Natutunaw na ko! Feel na feel kong ako lang 'yun. Ako lang naman talaga yun. Hay. Bat ganun?

----

One thing.

I love you, still.

Pwede ka ng umalis. Hindi naman kita pipigilan.

-and so, i left the place teary-eyed and hurt


I was hoping against hope. For a moment, I thought I was someone to him. Maybe just someone whom he would choose to stay around. Guess what? I am not important to him, anyway. Why am I wasting my time thinking about the fucking bond, I thought we share. Screw that bond! That's non-existent.

Yeah, that was just a fucking October fling. Of course, there wasn't special about that. He was just lonely and heart-broken. I was just there to comfort him. And then I fucking fell in love with him. Everything changed. Then, she talked to him and boom. He's swayed; not even confused. He chose her over me. That wasn't difficult, again, I'm nothing compared to her.


-----
Syet nagdadrama ako.

Hay, maging ang mga luha ko ay nangangailangan rin ng inspirasyon. Hindi ko alam pero nasasaktan na naman ako. Hindi kita sisisihin, ikaw yan eh. Ganyan ka nga siguro talaga. Wala sa ugali mo ang pigilan ang kahit sinong aalis sa'yo. Ganyan talaga. Hindi, hanggang ganito lang talaga ang halaga ko sa'yo. Hindi ako ganun ka importante para pag-aksayahan ng oras at mga salita mo. Siguro sa tingin mo, kung hindi nga ako makakatagal sa'yo, marahil wala talagang tayo. Kung alam mo lang, ilang pamantayan ko na ang nawala at ilang batas na rin sa sarili ko ang sinira ko para sa'yo. Masakit. Leche. Panakip-butas dati, sabi ng marami. Nagmumukhang kabit ngayon. Potek. Nasisiraan na yata ako ng bait? Unang-una sa ayoko eh may involve na other female species, ayoko ko ng agawan issue, ayoko ng third party crap, tapos ngayon. Ako pa yung illegal. Tipong hindi mapakali dahil anytime baka pagdudahan. Eh lahat ng lalaki basta alam kong may ibang babae ng involve, nagkukusang exit ako at never ng bumabalik. Tapos ngayon...Grrr. Ano ba naman ako?

I'm becoming my own contradiction. I'm breaking my rules. I'm doing it all for someone who hasn't got the balls to tell me to stay beside him. Or maybe, he has the balls, but I'm just a trash. Yeah, a trash. He doesn't need me. He never even said he cares.

Wala na ngang patutunguhan pero andito pa rin ako. Hindi na nga ako pinipigilang umalis pero nagdadalawang-isip pa rin. Sinabihan na ngang okay lang kahit bitiwan na yung nararamdaman ko pero heto at dinadama ko pa rin.


Hahaha. Hayan, tumutulo na. Para na naman akong tanga. Iniiyakan ang boyprend ng iba. Siyet. Bull shit. Nakakawala ng ganda. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Oo na, kulang na lang sabihin mo sakin na tigilan na kita.

Leche. Masakit, walang biro.

*sigh*

I'm the only one who gets to call him Asshole.

-Jennifer Aniston said that as Nicole Hurley in the movie the Bounty Hunter.

Kwento ni Juan Castro VII.

Kung mahilig kayo sa mga love stories in video, malamang eh kilala ninyo si Marcelo Santos. Marami na siyang posts sa Youtube. Idol siya ng barkda ko, Nikko B. ang pangalan niya. He assumed the pen name of Juan Castro VII at gumagawa na rin siya ng love story sa video. Ginawa niya yung Entablado. Isang love story ng magbestfriend na sinamahan pa ng ex. Neb ang pangalan ng bidang lalaki. Elaine ang pangalan ng bestfriend nya. Trixie ang pangalan ng ex-gf.

Actually, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ibina-blog ko 'to. Hahaha. Anyway, my friend asked me a favor to edit the third part. Pero nawala sa isip ko at yun na-post na rin naman. Hahaha. Paunti-unting naa-appreciate ng tao yung ginagawa nya. Well, okay na rin yun at para matapos na ang hangover nya kay ex. Hahaha. Yah, maypagka-true-to-life ang kwentong yun.Nakakaloka lang kasi ako si Elaine. Pffft. WALA PO AKONG GUSTO SA KAIBIGAN KO. PERIOD. At ang tinutukoy niyang entablado at pagtatanghal ay yung play namin last September. Okay, hindi na rin naman ako naka-angal dahil hindi naman ako ang sumusulat. Nakakaaliw lang kasi masyadong emotional tong kaibigan ko at pati paggawa ng love story ay hindi na rin inaatrasan. Hahaha. Oh well, enough said.


*kung gusto niyong mabasa yung 3 episodes ng Entablado. Search niyo na lang 'to sa Youtube, AOVreAper.

You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser. You can be the pencil and I can be the paper.

-Auburn's Perfect Two

I left the chat tab of him open.
He's offline.
I keep on typing random things on it.

Crazy love notes.

i miss you (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

jerk! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

bat ganito? (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

i miss you! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

asshole! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

yie!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

four-leaf clover!!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

mag-on line ka nga!!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

i miss you jerk! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

please... :( (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

Stupid me.
I must do the right thing.
Goodness!
The more I resist the feeling, the more I miss him.



*kung may blog kaya siya, ano kayang sinasabi nya tungkol sakin?hay.*

For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away.

-James Morrison's You Give Me Something
'cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright this could be nothing but I'm willing to give it a try.


Bakit ba pag may okasyon tuma-timing ang pagkawala ng kaligayahan ko. Una, yung birthday ko tapos ngayong pasko. Arg. Hay. Pero yun kasi yung dapat. But why is there hesitation in his words? Siyet. NO. NO. NO.

If only...

I guess we'll just have to meet either in our dreams or in outer space. Good bye my dearest.

Oh and by the way, he's not messing up my life. He's just shading it with different hues.

Bad romance. Bad joke.

Gullible me.

Paminsan-minsan para lang talaga akong tanga. Ambilis magtiwala, ambilis maniwala. Yun pala, bored lang. Hay, kahit kelan talaga hindi na ko natuto. Sadyang ako ang best pagtripan sa tuwing inaatake ng boredom ang male species.


I get it. Thanks for reminding me. :[

Don't come home for Christmas. You're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree. Merry Christmas, I could care less

-from FOB's Yule Shoot Your Eye Out


I've heard it's Christmas and it appears to be true. I'm not in the mood. I'm not anticipating this occasion. Yeah, call me an anti-social or better yet shout "Atheist!" at my face, I wouldn't care. I'm stubborn. I don't need to get a lecture about the biography of Jesus Christ and the greatness of God. People are enjoying. People are celebrating. Some are reminding the globe that we should remember the true essence of this occasion, but does the whole Christian community get the point?

As for me, I'm a self-proclaimed non-believer of the church. Curse me to hell and I would make this earth a hell for you. I respect the diversity of beliefs but I must also gain respect for my belief. I'm tired of listening to all the shits of being saved and promised of an everlasting life. Come on, a lifetime is enough. A promise of eternal salvation would be dull, boring and exhausting. That is soooo monotonous. Earth is still the best place. I won't exchange it for any heaven. Unless I'll have the privilege to wander in hell to visit some of my friends. Hahaha. Kidding.

(MASAMA LANG ANG LOOB KO DAHIL NAGPAPARTY ANG MAY-ARI NG BAHAY, PUMUNTA SINA MAMA,PAPA AT SHEN; AT HINDI NA TULOY NAPANSIN YUNG MGA LINUTO KO. PFFT.)

------
Crap. I'm a complicated entity. I'm a hard-headed lady, a stubborn daughter, a ruthless enemy, a pain in the ass lover, a pessimistic optimist. I'm a mixture of idealist, realist and rationalist. I'm Helen of Troy's descendant. I'm the cousin of Joan of Arc. In my past life, I was the reason why Alexander the Great preferred men over women. I was his nightmare. I'm the mistress of Shakespeare and the ex-lover of Victor Hugo. Hahaha! And now I'm in delusion.

-----
*sigh*

Kaya walang lalaking tumatagal sakin eh. Para akong praning magsalita. Hahaha. Una ma-aamaze sila. Then pagnarealize na nila, hindi na ko nakakatuwang kausap. Siyet. Pakiramdam ko nga wala nang ibang taong makakabasag ulit ng pader na itinayo ko.

Ay meron na pala. Meron na sana, kaya lang, can't be na. Hahaha. Ang taken ay taken. Hehehe. Hay, no one deserves me anyway. (YABANG!) Hahaha. I think I need to walk this earth SOLO.

You really are an enigma.

You know it's LOVE when you tell him you're FINE and yet he'll STAY for the REAL REASON.


FADED MEMORY:

"i don't give a shit...blah.blah.blah."
"yeah right. you don't give a shit, that's why you're here."
*mouth-zipped*
*wide smile*

Have you lost your mind or has she taken all of yours too?

A REPOST. I wrote this last December 26, 2009. Lahat ng wishful thinking ko ay ibinuhos ko sa kwentong 'to. Enjoy reading.


LOVE.

The gradient scent of Christmas filled the air as we walk around the downtown. I was wearing a red floral dress and he was in his white polo shirt and pants. We were like a living Christmas decor at this sight but we did not care.When he fetched me from home we were ridiculously laughing at each other. But it's not important. I was with him. He was with me. That matters most.

We decided to take our dinner in a cozy restaurant near the city park. The food was great. We had some small conversations in between our meals. He even cracked a joke and I laughed so hard that he tried to cover my mouth because an old couple was already glaring at us. I gave in and started to calm myself as I lovingly pinched his arm. He always makes me outburst of laughter whenever I'm with him.

It was now the time to go to church and hear the Yuletide mass. He payed our bill and gave the waiter a cheerful greeting of "Merry Christmas". He held me near him as we walked passed the crowded streets. We were walking with our hands clasped as we approached the majestic church. It was ornamented magically. The lanterns that welcomed the church-goers were brightly lit. It was a breath taking night. I closed my eyes to feel the season; I wanted to remember every detail of this night. I kissed him lightly on his cheek when I opened my eyes. He was caught off-guard then simply gave me a wide grin in response. We felt the Christmas breeze on our faces and heard the leaves rustled peacefully. We entered the church and listened intently to the mass.

We haven't left the church even after the mass. I needed a few moments more of silence with him in front of our Creator. I knelt and prayed hard to Him to give us many more Christmas together. If forever's impossible, a lifetime will be good enough. I noticed that he was staring at me with tears rolling down his handsome face. I wiped it and smiled at him. He knew what I prayed to God. He knew it will happen not for long. He wrapped his arms around me, so tight that I felt his warm body engulfing every nerve of my body. I hugged him, too. I ran my fingers through his velvet hair, looked him deep in the eyes, touched them, and finally caressed his nose and lips. I will never forget his face.

This is my last memory of him. I passed away a night after this. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor a year ago. It went from worse to worst. That day was miraculously the most normal day of my life since I was diagnosed with this tumor. I have no regrets. I love him and I will always do. Two years had already passed and though he hasn't found another girl I always wish him to find one. I even bugged Him to give my beloved someone who will take away the pain. I was surprised when He told me that he had already tried to give him one but he refused to accept it. Our Creator said, "He will love you up to his last breath. He swore this to me the very minute you told him your condition." *ninakaw ko sa deviant art. aliw na aliw lang ako sa combination ng kulay. girly pero malamig sa mata. hehehe.

Schizophrenic with a Messianic Complex: it's a euphemism for may sayad ng konte.

UBOD NG RANDOM.

My mind freezes but MY HEART, oh, it MELTS.

I'm confused. No. I'm quite sure. I'm quite sure that I'm confused. Pfft. I'm not making any sense.

I'm occupied by thousands of thoughts. I read somewhere that an average person has 50,000 thoughts a day. That made me feel better. I won't be worrying about my schizophrenic-like mind. Neurotic. Psychotic. I'm speaking jargon of the non sense. Screw my mind.

I'm thinking about him. I'm not blaming my hypothalamus for that. Geez. I'm thinking about him because all of my consciousness wants to. Crap. "Aren't there enough men in this planet? Come on, stop thinking about him."

So, I lied to him about two things. One, about the Legend of the Guardians. Yeah, I've watched that already, so what? I wanted to watch it again, with him. I wasn't scared by the Last Exorcism. Yes, I have the guts to watch that alone.

I feel like crying. I hate this feeling. I miss him. Why do I miss him? I don't know. It feels like we share something nobody can understand but us. But again, I have to deal with it. I'm just his friend. Screw that word.

------


I miss cloud. :|

We are lovers lost in space searching for our saving grace.

Tunaw na ang hot fudge sundae.
Linipad na rin ng hangin ang four-leaf clover.
Black hole na ang magandang bituin sa kalawakan.
Rumaragasa na rin ang dating kalmadong alon sa dagat.
Di bale na, tuloy pa rin ang buhay.
Hindi lang naman hot fudge ang flavor ng sundae sa Mcdo.
Swerte rin naman kung makapulot ka ng barya sa kalsada na head's-up. Lucky coin?
May bituin sa di kalayuan ang unti-unting lumalaki.
Tahimik at kalmado ang alon ng lawa.
Tuloy pa rin ang buhay.
Siyet.
Tuloy pa rin nga ba?

Hindi ko alam kung sinong ginagago ko? Oo. Nakikipaglokohan ako sa sarili ko.
Ano pa ba naman kasi ang silbi? Mas mainam na 'to. Sadyang ganito.

PERO, bullshit naman pare! Ano 'tong nararamdaman ko?

Hindi ko gusto ang nababasa ko. Ang aking nami-mind read.
Okay, gusto ko pala.

Pero. Marami ng pero. Pero.

Leche. Pahirapan. Eh ano na naman?


-life will turn for the better. PLEASE.

Riddle me. I'm speaking vague so i won't get sued.

They say it kills. I say it tortures.
It's like the night that envelopes the clouds in darkness.
When it engulfs you, it's inescapable.
It's like a vortex that whirls amidst the space.
Waiting, waiting to swallow a star.
It's the fruit of insecurities and the product of doubts.
They say it kills. I say it tortures.

Hahaha. Word play. So what's the answer?
------

Desperate people do desperate things during desperate times.

-----

Whew.

Paulit-ulit.
Palipat-lipat.
Paikot-ikot.
Pabalik-balik.
Nakakatuwa.
Nakakalungkot.
Lilitaw.
Lulubog.


Naghihintay.
Nagmamasid.
Nalulumbay.
Nag-iisa.
Nananaginip.
Nangungusap.

Random self.

Si Mutya, ang kapatid ni The Ideal.

Namiss na naman tuloy kita dahil sa wall post mo sakin sa fb. Siya nga pala, VP din sya. Hehehe. Maraming tumatawag sa kanyang Nica. Tawag sa kanya sa bahay ay Kikay. (Forgive me.hihihi) But I call her Mutya.

Dahil lahi sila ng matatalino, sadyang pasaway lang kuya niya, sa Sci High ko rin 'to nakilala. Well, hinahanap ko rin siya. Geez, ano ba yan. Nahahalata talagang. Grr. Anyway, eh parang may prior knowledge na siya sakin dahil na kwento ni ate niya na may crush ako kay kuya VP nya. Hahaha.

Pumasok siya ng CAT. Since opisyal din ako, hindi niya man nahalata (hindi nga ba?) pero I made sure na alaga siya at walang manttrip na ibang opisyal sa kanya.

She's sweet and charming. Pagngumiti to ng tunay, takte, panalo. (I talk like a stalker. hahaha.) Anyway. Kabaliktaran nung akala kong suplada siya. Mukha lang. Smart and pretty. Pero inosente pa rin 'to sa maraming bagay. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung nagkaboyprend na siya. Boylet siguro marami. Hahaha!

Tulad ng lahat ng tao may sarili rin tong sumpong at kiliti. Kelangan mo lang alamin para di ka mapahamak. Hehehe.

Maliban sa katotohanang kaya kami naging close eh dahil kay kuya nya, may mga bagay din naman siguro kaming pinagkakasunduan. We like Harry Potter more than Twilight. Ay mali! We love Harry Potter. We hate sparkling vampires. Am I right? Pareho rin kaming blogger. Mas magaling nga lang siya sakin magsulat. Sayang at hindi 'to nag-Communication. Tiyak magagamit nya lahat ng skills niya.

We don't get to talk often. We have our own set of friends. Hindi ko nga alam kung kaibigan ako nito. Hahaha. Ay oo! Sisters kasi kami. Kidding.

Basta. Basta. Kahit di na ko in lab kay kuya niya. Love ko pa rin 'to. ^_____^

I speak in riddles, so, go figure them out.

PFFFT! Pissed off.
I was so excited and fretting. But then nobody came.

Good thing.

(CALM)
The wind whispers breeze.
It touches the leaves.
It dances through the mist.
Strong as it appears,
So calm as it goes.

(STELLAR)

Stars aligned.
Sublime constellation.
Flickering lights.
Thousand bulbs.

(ERRONEOUS)
Close to perfection.
Perfection from a distant.
Distant and blissful.
Blissful yet erroneous.
Erroneous yet blissful.

(LIGHT YEARS)
I can't breathe.
I urge for a kiss.
The most passionate.
Dream-like; a wishful thinking.
I can't breathe.
I ask for a refuge.
The most understanding.
A shouldn't and a mustn't.
An entity far beyond.
Reachable
yet
light years afar.

Utang na Loob naman oh!

Okay. Okay. Hands up!

What's interesting about me?

Bakit ba para kayong mga bubuyog na nagmamadaling gumawa ng pulot-pukyutan? Utang na loob naman. Hindi naman ako mukhang hot chic para pagbuhusan niyo ng atensyon at oras.

Oo, naghahanap ako ng walang hanggan at tunay na pag-ibig. Pero, mukhang wala sainyo ang hinahanap ko. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all your offers and compliments. I recognize your friendly intentions and warm gestures BUT er, I think this is not the time I need them. Ugh. I know there's nothing wrong in meeting new people. It's just that I am not quite sure if you'll be able, er, to catch up with me?

Alright. I'm messing up. It's non-sense.

I'm just too overwhelmed. Thank you. O____O

Ay! Ano ba yan? Feeling maganda tuloy ako. Hanep. O tapos, ano daw problema ang maabot?hahaha! bring it on!

The Ideal.

At maraming salamat VP, malamang wala ka na namang alam. Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo pinapaganda ang mga mapapanglaw na sandali sa buhay ko. Haha. Seryoso, bigla na lang akong sinipag na naman dahil kelangan kong umalis mamaya at makipagkita sayo (with friends). Haha. Kahit kelan talaga ang hirap mong tanggihan. Pero natanggihan na rin naman yan ng ilang beses. Hahaha. At dahil single ka, ulit, malamang na ima-match tayo ng mga baliw nating kaibigan. Natuwa naman ako. Joke!

Antagal na rin na hindi kita naibibida sa blog ko. At mabuti na rin ito para sakin. Para sa mga baguhan sa blog ko let me introduce to you a very special friend.

Si VP, matagal ko ng kaibigan. High school pa lang nahuhumaling este mabuti na kaming kaibigan. Siya yung tipo ng lalaki na malapit na sa pagiging ideal, base on my standards. Tall, dark and handsome ang kumag. Athletic masyado, swimmer, nagtataekwondo, nagvo-volley ball pati basketball. Katulad ko, mahilig din siyang kumain ng libro, like hell! Tapos niya na rin ang Harry Potter series at karamihan sa libro ni Dan Brown. Dahil mahilig siyang magbasa, may sense rin sya magsulat, lalo na kung poetry. Musikero rin siya, hindi kasing galing ng mga local guitarists pero tiyak may ibubuga.

Maraming alam sakin ang lalaking 'to. Halos takbuhan at subungan ko 'to ng lahat ng galit ko sa mundo. Alam niya kung kelan ako badtrip at alam niya kung kelan ako high. Alam niya ring minahal ko siya. Hahaha. Yeah, I know, I have the guts to tell him. Umpisa palang alam niya na. Pero masyadong gentleman ang mokong ayun, friends for life talaga kami. Globe user 'to. Kaya hayan sya yung dahilan kung bakit nagka-globe ako nung high school. Pagnagmissed call na siya, alam kong dapat na kong mag-unli sa globe at kelangan niya ng kausap. Pagnagmissed call naman ako gamit ang globe, tiyak na maya-maya naka-unli na siya. Ganyan kami ng maraming taon. Tuwing kinakabahan ako sa mga laro ko, gabi palang itetext ko na sya, he never fails to send me "Kayang-kaya mo 'yan! Make me proud!" O diba? kaya paniwalang-paniwala naman akong invincible ako. Kasi kahit matalo, andyan pa rin sya to comfort.


Nung mga kasagsagan na nasa buhay ko pa si 17, kinkulit nya ko kung sino daw yun. Kung nakita nya na ba, kung anong ugali. At ang laging paalala, "Mag-ingat ka, yan na naman." At nung mga oras na falling apart na kami ni 17 at hindi ko alam kung sinong tatakbuhan, isang text ko lang sa kanya eh nakaset na ang date and place ng aming kwentuhan. Kahit pagod galing sa trabaho, anyway, chef/cook sya sa Avenue, basta off nya na, Kopiroti na ang punta nya. Actually, hindi ko naman naikwento sa kanya ang nangyari samin. Magkakape lang kami niyan, magtititigan at pagkwekwentuhan ang ibang bagay. Bigla na lang siyang magsasabing, "Hibi na, kala ko baga problemado ka? Joke! Dae parainitindihon yan. Kadakol pa." Tatahimik na lang ako at hihigop ng kape. Hihirit na lang siya bigla ng wala niyang katapusang litanya na, kumilos naman daw kasi ako na babaeng-babae, mag-inarte raw ako kung minsan, huwag masyadong suplada, at itigil na ang pagiging amasona. Yeah, thanks for summing that up.

Matatapos ang gabi na hindi namin napagkwentuhan ang problema ko. Ayaw niyang marinig, mas mabuti sa pakiramdam ko. At yan kahit mas mauuna dapat siyang bumaba pauwi, ihahatid niya muna ko at bawal tumanggi. Hindi naman talaga ako sa kanya tatanggi.


Naikwento ko na sya sa mga kaklase ko. Tinanong nga ako dati ni Kuya Topsy na kung ira-rank daw ba, sino yung una. Hindi ko kailangang mag-isip, si VP syempre.

Kulang pa ang isang post na 'to para sa kanya.

Walang tatalo sa exchange of books, of notes, of stories, of fears, of dreams namin. Noon.


Bakit sya biglang naging bida na naman? Wala, bigla kasing nagtext at nang-aalok magbeanbag mamayang 8pm. Pagmi-meetingan namin ang gift giving na gagawin sa 25. Ikalawang taon na 'to. Lilibot ulit kami ng Naga to share gifts. O san ka pa? May busilak pang puso.


*to clear things out hindi na ko in lab sa kanya. i had enough. what we have is enough.*

http://ebboflife.blogspot.com/2009/08/after-six-loooong-years.html

check that out para dun sa unang encounter namin after niyang maglagi sa manila.

THY GODDESS IS SAD.

Melancholic night.


The day was fine. Totally fine. Everything's normal and then something went crazy. I missed you. And now, I'm missing you. It strikes me badly. I don't want to miss you. I hate the feeling. All I can do is sit here and wait until you send me an effin message. I sit here telling myself that I shouldn't miss you. I sit here hoping that you'll gather yourself up and tell me how much I mean to you.

I'm sorry. I'm too stubborn not to miss you. Forgive me.


Every time we see each other I wanted to whisper words of endearment but I remembered, I shouldn't do that.

You hold me like no one else does.

Oh crap!

Can we just hate each other?

usapang kape.

Weird. Bakit biglang interesado makipag-kape ang mga tao, specifically ang mga lalaki sakin. I don't mean anything wrong. Nabibigla lang ako sa kaliwa't kanang offer ng kape. Tipong free taste eh. Hahaha. Ay ewan. Pang-aning.

Yung iba sa mga nang-alok eh kaibigan ko, pero yung iba, er, bigla, bigla na lang..

Weird. Nahahawa na yata sakin ang mga tao.

Hay, mas weird pa rin ako. Despite all the friendly gestures people are offering, I only want to indulge in a warm conversation with a hot fudge sundae on my hand while staring at you.

BAKASYON.

Eto na naman ang walang hanggang litanya.

MAMA: O bakasyon tapos lalayas ka na naman? San ka na naman pupunta?
AKO: Sa centro, maghahanap ng prosti, adik, pusher, ex-convict, mamatay tao...
MAMA: Tumigil ka nga Maria Eleanor!
AKO: Totoo naman. O sige, pupunta na lang tuloy ako sa simbahan at magsisimba. Pwede na?
MAMA: Umayos ka sa pagsagot mo.


Hay, bakasyon.

Gusto mong lumabas kahit di naman masyadong gagastos, kaso bawal. Kasi ano? Dapat nasa bahay lang, maglinis, tumulong sa tindahan na maghugas, magbigay ng sabaw. Eeeee.
I get it. Alam ko lahat yan, pero, I don't find it worth doing. Ewan. Masyado lang siguro akong mayabang. Ewan. Darn. Screw me. *sigh*


Ang gusto ko lang eh tunay na bakasyon, yung mag-eenjoy at pag-aari mo ang oras. Hindi yung ganito. Hay, nakalimutan ko, mahirap nga pala kami. Bawal mag-astang prinsesa. Bawal. Hay buhay.

whatever this may sound.

Sabi ni pareng Voltaire,

"Sometimes we let our LOVE go UNEXPRESSED,
especially towards those we LOVE the BEST."

"Salamat," sabi ng Diyosa.

TO DEAREST AL,

I'm soooo flattered! I never thought you'd be missing me. *geez* If only you weren't my friend, I'd suspect you of something else. Hahaha! I'm kidding! You made me smile today. Thank you! Let me post what you sent me this morning.

I missed facebook, I miss you,
I just had to look... did you miss me too? :)
Surprise, surprise, I bet you'd never surmise,
That I'd be writing you, in this style, in this rhyme,
I'm trying my best play of words,
To keep up, to please thy goddess --hoping not to get on thy nerves?! :)
See you some time, see you soon,
I hope my fair lady wouldn't take me for a loon. :))

Geez. Thy goddess is indeed pleased. May my relatives at Mt. Olympus bless you! Hahaha! You made my day! And oh, we bumped into each other just before I'd read your message. The gods are with you. Hahaha! :))

*this post is for you alone*
privilege, right? haha. kidding! ^___^




it's kinda, er, not so good. hihihi..but i hope you'll like it... =)

I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

TO MY KEWLEST ASSHOLE JERK FOUR-LEAF CLOVER,

I miss you today. I miss you everyday.

I want to hug you tight. But I can't do that. I must not.

Your enthusiasm about all the rap stuff makes me feel good about them.

I don't know. I'm just missing you. Badly.



....And then I stumbled upon an album she posted just now. A photo album that almost says, "BACK OFF! HE'S MINE." Oh well, he's all yours.

*sigh*

Screw driver.

Ten days and it's Christmas, I couldn't care less. I'm loosing my grip. I'm being stressed out by all these random school stuff. Everything seems pointless. There are too many parties to be attended; parties that will take place on the same day and time. Yes, time is really with me. Crap.

___0___

There's a short film contest on January. My gut feeling says I should be joining that contest. I must join. But my rationality tells me I cannot accomplish a well-done short film for a month. Another opportunity that will turn into a night dream. Crap. I cannot pull my writing skills together. To start with, my style of writing isn't fit for films. They are for novels. And my grammar is not even close to perfection. Screw me. *sigh* I don't have the means to direct and produce a film. I don't own a video cam and I don't have the skills of a director. I don't know if I should still pursue this dream or whatever you call it. I'm full of ideas. I want to materialize these ideas but I don't know how. I'm scared. I might quit halfway. Er, this sucks. I feel something inside me. It's a surging passion that wants me to move and shake all the laziness out of my system. Add my cowardice and slothfulness to my overwhelming stubbornness and you will surely get a negative integer multiplied to infinity. I'm starting to feel bad. Enough said.

___0___

Despite the fact that my life's turning upside down, I still find small things amusing. Despite my pessimistic outlook about almost everything else, I still see little surprises fascinating. My several mind-attempts of killing myself is absurd now. Of course, I won't actually kill myself. Oh, that is a stupid thing to do. I love myself more than the sum of Jupiter's mass, more than Romeo have loved Juliet and more than Spaniards' amazement over the spices of the east.

Anyway, someone is helping me to have this uber positive way of thinking. Well, we don't share anything romantic, yet. Hahaha.

nalulungkot ang diyosa

I feel so alone. Let me rephrase that. I feel so lonely. I'm surrounded by a crowd of friends but I still feel empty. Despite all the sour-graping and sugar-coating I still find myself difficult to be loved by others. Why is that so? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I'm vomiting words I have never heard. I'm staring at a place I have never been.

I'm full of love. I'm willing to give more of it, and even all of it.

I want to disclose the deepest me. I want to share my most profound self.

And then there's the rub. No one would want me.

Updates

Okaaaaaaay!

Biggest deal? SILA na ULIT. Pero ironically, I don't give a damn. They're happy, fine. Enough said.


I've been dealing with this fluctuating and indecisive emotion I have for him since months ago. One day, I miss him and the next I don't practically care about him. Yeah, I'm sure I'm still in love with him. But I'm just too rational to push whatever affection left. It's clear. I've got to deal with that cold truth.