Clover Chips.

at kahit gaano kita ka-miss,
romantic man 'to o platonic kuno,
hinding-hindi ko sasabihin na sobra na ang pangungulila ko sa'yo,
hindi ko aaminin na gustong-gusto na kitang makita't makausap,
at hindi ko kailanman ipapaalam sa'yo na iniisip pa rin kita.

ang labo, tsong. malabo. ang hirap.
malungkot isipin kaya wag na lang. sapat na ang ganito.
wala ka rin naman pakialam.
wala naman akong pinanghahawakan kasi nga sabi nya,
"you never had him."

K.

badtrip. :|

The Lucky Clover.

and sometimes I get stupid thoughts...

sometimes I want you back in your default state..the guy I fell in love with eons ago..I want to hear you laugh, I want to see you smile...I want your warm hugs and sweet kisses...I want your every morning greeting, how you say my name, how you put an effort typing my hot fudge sundae... I want you to call me over and over again, I want how your voice soothes my heart...I want you to hold me in your arms, how we clasp our hands...I want to talk to you again, to kill time and sit side by side...

I want you to miss me..miss me the way I miss you...

I want you...and every piece of you...


and sometimes I feel the urge of telling you all these things..crap, I hate my guts.
after everything that happened you're still a precious gem. you are the lucky in my charm.

You will always be my four-leaf clover.

:|

and I wonder if i ever cross your mind,for me it happens all the time.

Of course your default picture reminds of my burning and insatiable affection for you. An affection that should have been dead eons ago. But unlike the extinct dinosaurs, my love for you still breathes. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't take an intellectual and charming guy nor an almost-close-to-perfection guy to take my love away from you. It still continues to exist. It exists even if you're already into someone else and maybe even if you decide to go back to your former love. I don't know. I'm still trapped by your alluring silence. I'm still charmed by your wits, by your eternal complexity.

My heart never ceases to yearn for you.

60D.

Sometimes it takes an A-level camera to keep you talking to me.
And I appreciated it a lot. Thanks.

Oh. I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you.
I wanted to tell you how I dread for each day trying to resist the impulse of shooting up a conversation with you. Most of those times, I succeeded.

But, not tonight.

I miss you. I know, you miss me too.
HAHAHA. Assuming lang te?

Hay.
When will I feel your warm arms around me again?
When will I see your smiles flash at my face again?
Hay.

Sorry if I cannot be the girl you can fall for.
Sorry if I play my own game.
Sorry if I give a shit about you. So much, that I really care...

Hahaha. Arte-arte. Naku. Miss na miss lang talaga kita. :|

You with the one-eyed heart.

Sometimes
I want to call you
shitty names
just to compensate
with my shitty feelings.
and sadly,
I always end up
calling you
Four-leaf clover.

---------------

There goes my October. Such a yearning month... Hoping you'll have a change of heart.
Nah. I know. It will not happen.

Er,
Focus, Mal.
FOCUS!

Stress.

Hahaha!

Emotional retard na naman ako.

Nalulungkot. Letsugas na Oktubre, kelan ka ba malalagas?

Hay.

Darn it. Free will, gumana ka naman,puhleaaaassse? I kinda need you right now.

:|

Lost of words.

"You appreciate my interests,

you make me feel i'm fucking special,

you're simply understanding,

i like your sense of humor..damn it.

you are stellar el.
sorry if you fell for the wrong person."

October, so soon, too soon.

Riverside.
Cracked mouth, drunkard singer.
Cool breeze.
Low light.
Fixed eyes.
Troubled minds.

-----------
My mind starts to doze off. I feel like I'm in an oblivion of metamorphic paradoxes. It is a tough battle to keep your wits and cool together when your heart is fucking, er, hurting. The pain is pricking me and the needle is sharp, too sharp.

A year has already passed but here I am, hoping to travel back in time. In those times when things are not as complicated and hurtful as today, life is brighter. Oh, then screw my senses!


Oh well...

--------------

October

Be my October guest
then set fire
blaze my heart

Be my October guest
then kill me
with a
Eutopian dream

Be my October guest
then melt
Atlanta's ice

Be my October guest
stay til November
come back in December

and let the passing months
grow like yellow blossoms
in spring

Be my October guest
then leave me
in awe

Nakaka-sad naman.

I miss you.
I just really do. :|

Hell. I wanna talk to you.
Tell so many stories to you.
Ask many questions.
Share many secrets.
Enjoy trivial moments with you.
Throw my arms around you.
Stare at you while you stare at me.

Or maybe just sit beside you.
Doing literally nothing.

Hay.

There's always a part of me that still misses you.

Ang tunay na lalaki, marunong maghintay.

Hindi ko alam.

Ewan. Siguro namamalikmata lang ako. Siguro grabe na talaga ang pag-iilusyon ko.

Pero tsong hindi! Nakita ko talaga ang mga mata mong nakangiti nang ika'y di sinasadyang mapatingin sa akin...o ako na sinasadyang tumingin sa'yo.

Kinilig ako. Parang gusto ko nang tumambling. Ngayon ko lang ulit nakita ang mga mata mong ngumiti. Ngayon na sabi nila'y mukhang matamlay at wala ka sa kondisyon. Ewan ko ba.

Binuo ng ngiti mo ang araw ko. Pero, ewan. Pinagdududahan ko pa rin ang nakita ko.
Baka nga talaga sobra na ang pagkahibang ko sa'yo. Shet. Oo, may gelplend ka. K-ness. Ewan ko sayo. Bahala kayo. Basta, basta masaya ko ng makita ang mga mata mong nakangiti sa akin. wasoy lang.

Haaaay. Kitam, gwapo ka talaga kapag ganun. Kanina'y gusto na kitang yakapin, pero syempre tulad ng dati, BAWAL.

Hay, Four-leaf Clover.

Why do you still make my heart skip a beat? ^______^

Thank you! I hope everything's all G with you.

October, please, don't be too soon.

You were sitting at the back row of the class. You were quiet, observing intently. I thought you were wondering why did you let yourself be stuck with a bunch of freshmen. You might be thinking that it's not cool to be with such kids. It was the first time I notice your existence.

You're a bit skinny but your face says you've been through a lot of troubles and fun. Drinking, smoking and things like those. I told myself you're a cool dude, only, there's something more about you. I can't remember talking to you that semester, I'm too shy to talk to you and well, too occupied with someone else. I just remember that every time you recite there's an air of seriousness in your voice. I grew a secret crush on you.

Months and years passed. We constantly bumped into each other. Finally, I got your name and started calling you "kuya". My crush on you vanished and I just wished to become one of your friends. It was really nice of you to greet me once in a while. We became facebook friends, we get along with many things and we became classmates every now and then. I heard you had your heart broken.

We talked. We started eating lunch together. I started opening myself up. You started sharing your dreams and fears and heart aches. I started trusting you more. I started admiring you. We were there, enjoying the company of each other, laughing our hearts out and comforting our broken wings. It became an enjoyable and exciting routine. For once, I had someone whom I can share my beliefs without the fear of being judged. For once, I had someone who yells the ugly truth at right timings. For once, I had someone whom I caught playing my sport in his phone. For once, I had someone who tries to be nice to me. For once, I had someone who made me felt treated specially. For once, I met someone who has the balls to bid me farewell, someone who never left me hanging without a word. I had my heart broken.

I thought it was the end of it.

But you missed me. I missed you.
We missed being with each other.

And so, even if the situation forbids, we carry on to....er, that i cannot call love.

K-ness. ayoko ng ituloy. pfft. k pows. namimiss kita. miss na miss.
letsugas, akalain mo,kahit papano e may tama pa rin pala ako sayo. hay buhay!

My Ego is Big. I don't give a shhh.

Hay.
Totoo pa rin kaya na sa bawat pagbukas mo ng FB e kasabay nito ang pagbukas ng blog ko?

Makailang ulit kitang kinakalimutan ngunit heto't ikaw pa rin ang laman ng puso ko.
Oo, alam ko, hindi na ikaw ang taong dating nagpangiti sa mga mata ko, hindi na ikaw ang taong yumakap sakin nang mahigpit at hindi na rin ikaw ang taong tumawag sakin nang ika'y nalumbay. Marahil hindi pa rin sapat ang ginagawang paglimot dahil bakas pa sa mga mata ko ang pagsintang abot langit. Mahirap dahil ika'y nagbigay na ng puso sa iba habang ako heto pa rin at ikaw lamang ang gusto.

Makailang ulit ko bang kailangang kalimutan ka?

Ang mga ngiti mo sa Martes at Huwebes ng hapon ang tanging tala na nagbibigay liwanag sa mapanglaw kong panaginip. Ang boses mong madalang ko na lang marinig ang musikang saking mga tenga'y kumikiliti. Ngunit ang bawat paghawak ng kanyang kamay, ang bawat yakap, at bawat dampi ng iyong labi sa labi niya ay parang pana na tumatarak sa puso kong walang laban.

Giliw, tunay ba ang tuwang sakanya'y iyong nararamdaman?
Sa kanyang mga ngiti mo ba nasilayan ang sikat ng araw?
Siya ba ang tanging babaeng tatakbuhan mo sa mga mauulap na panahon?
Matitiis mo bang makipagpalitan lamang ng mga kuro-kuro sa kanya?
Alam ba niya kung bakit nagtagpo ang mga landas ninyo?
Parte ba siya ng mga pangarap at realidad mo?
o kabilang lamang siya sa mga bagay na may hangganan?


Wala na marahil akong mapapala sa pagbuhos ng tunay kong nararamdaman. Tuluyan na sigurong naglaho ang ikaw na minahal ko. Hindi na rin naman maibabalik ang dati nating pagsasama. Siguro ang tingin mo na lang sakin ay isang makulit na taga hanga na patuloy at paulit-ulit kang pipiliin. Wala ka nga sigurong kasalanan kumbakit hanggang ngayo'y mataas pa rin ang pagbibigay halaga ko sa'yo. Bahala na nga marahil ako.

-----------
Hindi ko binabawi,

...hindi ko pa nakikitang kumikislap ang mga mata mo sa tuwing kasama siya

er, and one thing more, kapag in a relationship na, talaga bang hindi na kelangang maging gwapo kasi wala ng papagwapuhan? er, contrary to that i think you should be glowing. you look stressed, dear.
TOOOOOO STRESSED and i'm not exaggerating.
you need a rest; you work too much.
don't be too hard on yourself, man!
you can die young if you want but not too young.
please, take care of your health.
wala akong pakialam kung mag-yosi jamming kayo ni gf mo,
basta, kahit papano alagaan mo ang sarili mo.

why do i care so much. fuck.

You make me melt like a hot fudge on a sundae.

Once and for all para sa lahat ng kaartehan kong, er, (FINE)...ulit. Para sa lahat ng sakit, tampo, inis, at pagmamahal na nararamdaman ko para SAYO...

kahit pa hindi ko naman nakikitang KUMIKISLAP ang mga MATA mo sa tuwing kasama siya...

Dear Asshole,

Whatever had happened to us, I still believe that you have a golden heart. I think I have to agree with you. I fell for the wrong person. Nonetheless, you are still one of the nicest, sweetest and meanest guys I ever went out with. You are still awesome for me. Goodness! I should be cursing you right now for making me feel neglected but here I am saying all these nice things to you. Oh well, love isn't full of butterflies fluttering in the meadows. I have a fair share of pain. All I want is to look back at the good old days we shared. Dear! I envy her. You pretty know I am not insecure with her and never will I be. It's just that, like your former Lady love, she's damned lucky to have you holding her hand and keeping you at her side. The things I would not be able to reclaim. As always, your happiness matters to me. If you're happy with her, even though she's not a goddess (HAHAHA!), then I'll respect that. I would not be around anymore. Take care of yourself.

I love you.

Sincerly,
Stupid

------------

HELLO

october 30, 2010

"hey.. i know my apologies wont make you feel better, but i know you'll be ok.. im so fucking ashamed.. just wanna thank you for making me feel better when i was down, thank you for the company, thank you for the chitchats and the warm hugs. thank you for the smiles. thank you so much..i will miss whatever we had between us. by the way si si dapat sinabi ko sa Mcdo: "you have all the reasons, but how come i just can't damn fall for you".. You appreciate my interests, you make me feel im fucking special, your simply understanding, i like your sense of humor..damn it. you are stellar el. sorry if you fell for the wrong person.

+HUGS+

see you 'round hot fudge sundae. take care!"

-----------

PS:

Please do not talk ILL about me. I would be very, very hurt if that happens. Honey, the last thing you would want to happen is injure my pride. Please be kind with your words.

I'm stellar, NOT.

"Kapag pinili mo

ang isang maling bagay

at pinagpilitan ito,

paulit-ulit na isasampal sa'yo

ang mga dahilan kung bakit MALI ITO."

TANG-INA THESE AND THOSE.

BITTER AKO, BITTER.

LETSE.

PANG-ASAR TALGA.

HAYP NA BUHAY.

HAYP NA MARAY.

HAHAHAHA.

AMPALAYA MODE LANG E.

WOOO.

DARN IT.

BUT WHY SHOULD I GET MAD WHEN YOU'RE STARTING TO BE HAPPY?

HAY.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED.

CRAZY. I WANTED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

BUT THEN YOU DON'T WANT ME.

HIGH-TIME TO STOP DOING THINGS

LIKE ASKING HER FRIEND TO TELL HER TO CHEER YOU UP.

AMAZING.

YEAH.

MAYBE, I SHOULD ALSO STOP CHECKING YOU OUT,

WORRYING FOR YOU..

YEAH

BULLSHIT!

AND MAYBE...

I WOULD NOT EVEN START

BEING JEALOUS.


-----------

I SHOULD NOT GIVE A SHIT.

Nagpapaalam pa. Pagbigyan niyo na.

Dear Somebody Else,

Please take care of him.
Appreciate his creative self.
Do not fail to listen to his stories.
Make him smile; make him laugh.
Recognize the value of his presence.
Look pass through his stubbornness.


You will need to be patient and understanding when dealing with him.
The moment he gives you his trust, never break it. His trust is worth having.

He is COOL.
sometimes INSENSITIVE.
He is DETERMINED.
often times he is as STUBBORN as me.
He is ARTISTIC in every sense.
there are just these moments
when he needs STARDUST.
If you fall in love with him,
then you will be the luckiest
and maybe, the COOLEST girl in town.


Sincerely,

Somebody-Who-Used-To-Eat-Lunch-With-Him

Too much.

History repeats itself. Dati yung si Mike kay Popot. Ngayon... hay.
Ano ba yan? Lagi na lang...lagi na lang... :|

Yeah. Hindi talaga ako nagkamali. Yeah. Ang galing talaga ng gut feeling ko, tang-ina this! Hahaha! Animal-ness! Wohooo! Whatta feeling!

All along...lahat ng pag-asa ay gumuho at naglaho. Letsugas. Parang pinaglalaruan lang ako ng hayop na tadhana. FU ka! FU ka tadhana! Lumayas ka sa daraanan ko!

Arg.

Hay. Damn me! Damn me for thinking you're the nicest jerk. Damn me for thinking you're awesome. Damn me for having this fucking love. Damn me.


Animal-ness na sitwasyon. Hahahaha! Loser ka, Mal. Hahaha! Yuck. Weak. So, weak. IMBA. Wala ka naman palang sinabi e. Sows. Wala. Wala. Walang-wala. Taena. Hahaha.
Kung may gusto ka kahit kelan e hindi napapasayo. Yucks. Ngayon, mistula kang naghabol sa kanya, anong napala mo? Kanino siya may gusto ngayon? Ha? Ha?

Hindi ka kasi cool. Hahaha.
Masyado ka kasing matalino. Nagmamaganda ka pa, feelingera. Oo, maganda ka, pero di ka marunong mag-inarte. Yan, yan. Hindi magkakagusto sayo ang taong gusto mo kasi masyado kang agresibo. Andami mong pinaninindigan, masyado kang malakas, masyado kang liberated, masyado kang spontaneous. Loser. Siguro, magiging mayaman ka, pero walang magmamahal sa'yo, bitch. Hahaha. Letse. Walang lalaking gusto mo ang kayang tanggapin ang buong pagkatao mo. You're too much to handle. Hindi ka pa kilos babae. Hindi ka rin lampa. Yuck. Ano ka lalaki? Tapos naghahanap ka pa ng lalaki? ASA ka PA!

You're fucked up, lady. Fucking fucked up!

Taena, mainsecure ka na... hindi ikaw gusto niya. Hahaha. Letse.

*hay, bat kaya laging pinapababa ng mga lalaking minamahal ko ang self-confidence at self-esteem ko? animal-ness!*

Bat di na lang kasi tanggaping katulad ka rin nila? Hay. :|

Hopeless.

Nalulungkot ako.

Namimiss pa rin kita.

Sana masaya ka ngayon.

Eto, buma-back off na ako..

Para di ka na makulitan pa sakin.

Paalam na sa'yo, Mahal. Paalam, Sinisinta.

The hesitation before the action.

Eeeee. Sa gusto kong sabihing mag-enjoy siya sa most anticipated concert of a lifetime na gusto niya, baket ba? Ipinaalam niya rin naman sakin ang kanyang desire na panoorin ang concert, siguro naman tama lang na i-wish kong mag-enjoy siya ng bongga despite our current fucked up situation, di ba? Di ba?

Sa totoo nga e nakakabilib ang kanyang passion over Incubus. He really admires the band. E 'yung effort pa niya to earn money for him to get a ticket... galeng!

Oh well, hindi lang naman siguro ako ang nakakakita ng potential determination niyang taglay di ba? Duh. Arg.

Here I go again, admiring his personality and whole being. Crap.
What the hell am I thinking?

Arg.
Naku. Naku. Ang aking hiya. Oh my... Ang aking PRIDE...

Chenes.
Bahala na. Bahala na.
Okay. Wala. K.
Ahm. Yah. Hahaha. Okay lang yan, Mal.
Cheer up! ^_____^
In time, mababalik din ang inyong friendship... in time... :))

----------

MIND SET: SUBJECTIVE REALITY

Kaklase ko siya sa isang subject.
Pero isa siyang ESTRANGHERO na CRUSH na CRUSH ko.
Hindi niya ako kilala. Pero marami akong alam sa kanya.

Isa lang akong hamak na taga-hanga ng FLOURISHING ARTIST na tulad niya.
Kung nagsend ako ng message sa kanya, hindi niya yun agad rereplyan dahil hindi niya nga ako kilala.

He will ignore me because I'm just a fan.
Busy siya sa art stuff niya. Busy siya.
Busy siya hanapin ang babaeng para sa kanya, and he wouldn't think it's me.

Imposibleng makasingit sa listahan ng kaibigan niya dahil high profile siya at ako'y hindi.
Friendly siya sa marami, madaling lapitan pero sakin hindi.
Siguro dahil na rin 'to sa weird ako sa mga mata niya.
Hindi niya siguro gusto na makita ako.
O baka hindi niya nga ako nakikita.

Hanggang tingin na lang ako sa kanya.
May pagkasuplado kasi siya kung minsan.
Hanggang tingin na lang ako sa kanya.
Masyado na siyang maraming kaibigan.
Hanggan tingin na lang ako sa kanya.
Hindi naman kasi ako ang hinahanap niya.
Hanggang tingin na lang ako sa kanya.
Hindi niya naman ako kelangan.

Iikot at iikot ang mundo kahit hindi niya ako makilala.
Siguro talagang hanggang tingin na lang ako sa kanya.

-----------
sabi nga sa isang blog na nabasa ko,

"Ang taong pinaka-

mahirap kalimutan

ay yung taong kahit

kailan hindi naging

kayo pero minsan

pinasaya at binago

ang takbo ng buhay

mo."

Walang tigil ang ulan at nasaan ka, araw?

Hindi ko naman sana gustong isipan ka, kaso hayan, eto na naman ako.

Lecheng ulan. Leche.

Nakakamiss ka lang talaga. Tipong pakiramdam ko e nasa malayo ka ng lugar at hindi na babalik pa. E buti nga yung nasa malayong lugar nagpaparamdam sakin e ikaw, hindi. Hay.

Ano bang nangyari satin? Kahit yung pagkakaibigan wala na rin bang pag-asa? Bakit nagkaganito na tayo? Hay.

Ayokong umalis ka na hindi tayo nagkakausap ng maayos, kaso pano?
Nahihiya na kong lumapit sa'yo. Natatakot na rin kung minsan.

Hay.