Plans. Or the Need to Make Some.

Twenty-one.

Contrary to the famous clothing line, which girls go gaga for, I will not be Forever 21. Nobody will be. We can only savor it for 365 days and then another year will start then another and another, until we reach death.

Twenty-one.

At this point of one's life, what shall one do? For an average being, one can finish a degree and find a source of living. Moving out from your generous parents is a bold step, but why not? Manage your life at this young and fruitful age. Work all day, then party like there is no tomorrow. Meet new friends, explore different places, eat unhealthy food, and drink yourself to sleep. You are at the peak of everyone's dream. You are the pilot and the destination is at your command.

Twenty-one.

Disappointments do happen and some dreams have expiration dates attached on them. You either live the moment and disregard the future or fret about tomorrow and kill the fun of today. The choices are a no brainer because you can have the moment, the future, the today and the tomorrow rolled in one. Juggle them to make your dreams happen before they expire. You can always try to be one step ahead of things.

Twenty-one.

It is funny that 365 days can feel like eternity. The constant rush it brings you seem to be endless. Doors of opportunities, wells of knowledge, and roads of experience fill the air you breathe. There is so much more waiting for you to be discovered. It is as though Buzz Lightyear got stuck up with his, "To infinity and beyond!"


------------

Have you gathered yourself up?

Just do it!

Chances and changes.

These two words do not die without the other but somehow they make each other sensible.

It is more than a month now that I've been thinking about quitting my job. It feels horrible and frightening, but liberating at the same time. The thought of being unemployed brings chills to my spine. Overly stated? No, it has some truth in it. Just imagine the endless search for an almost perfect job, the huge amount of vacant hours and the flood of questions coming from parents up to someone you barely know, these are all horrible and frightening. It is the unknown that makes things worse for me. The what ifs are fine but the what if things do nots are definitely a different story. What if things do not go well? What if employers won't hire me? What if I do not land on a better place?

Right. I am undoubtedly killing myself in the process.

Just do it or stop whining!

Could Have Been the Happiest Birthday

when the love of your life is with you on your birthday,

damn it,

pay attention to that person.

you may never anticipate a life and death question,

and darlings,

it will never happen again..

so, please...

pay attention...

don't get ahead of yourselves

cherish that special day..

and one more thing,

never

ever

say these words:

"yes, we're done"

At kahit ilang Ms. Universe pa ang maging kamukha mo,
hindi ka niya mamahalin.

Same old song.

Mister, I just love you so much

Even if it sometimes hurt,

Even if it is impossible for you to feel the same,

I love you through and through.

Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?

Mamundok
Magtanim ng marijuana
Sumapi sa mga kapatid na rebelde
Mamuhay na parang ermetanyo sa Ibong Adarna

Mag-self exile sa isang isla.
Maging mandaragat sa pagkagat ng umaga't
magpa-fiesta sa gabi,
uminom ng alak ng parang wala ng bukas.

Mag-ala city girl.
Malula sa taas ng mga tore
Mag-elevator paakyat at pababa
Magbayad ng buwis na sa
mga buwaya mapupunta
Isiping ika'y maraming naabot
kasabay ang kape galing sa Starbucks

Magpaka-promdi sa syudad
Tingalain ang lahat
Sumunod sa uso,
sikaping takpan ang bakas ng pinanggalingan
Matakot sa daan-daang kotseng nagkakarera
Mag-ikot nang mag-ikot nang mag-ikot
kahit wala ka ng luntiang makita

Of Mundane Things.

"Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about. " -Meet Joe Black, 1998

Wondering, still.

Hindi ko pa rin alam ang gagawin. Parang panaginip na biglang nawala.

Matagal na rin kitang sinisinta, pero peste, tila wala namang mapapala.

Mukhang naghahanap ka na ng iba. Anong nangyari't biglang lilisan na?

Nagseselos at napa-praning. Di ba't wala akong karapatan sabi nila?

Anong magagawa ko't puso'y ikaw pa rin ang itinitibok?

Maging makipaglandian sa iba, sarili'y di hinihimok.

Giliw, sabihin mo't ika'y hihintayin.

Bukas, sa makalawa o kahit isang taon o higit pa.

Sabihin mo lang ay aking magagawa.

-------
Letse. Where is art in there? Hahaha!
I have to summon courage to tell you I care, while you're summoning confidence to find another girl. Failed. Hay. My love for you is greater than my pride. You must be very special. It pains me because you seemed not to give a fuck. That's really cool, isn't it?

ASK ME.

I have no time for bullshit. Or maybe, I have.
I can waste my time rolling on the grass field with you.
I am a sucker for love. You are my Waterloo and I hate it.
Believe me, love. Believe me.
There is so much in you which draws every piece of my soul.
I hate it, I really do.
Please do me a favor. Do not let my eyes set upon yours again.

Diyos ako, ikaw?

I have this weird feeling that I am great at creating things.

Creating something out of nothing
Making a universe from my bare hands
Inventing
Maybe, re-creating or innovating

I am a god.
I don't need constant glorifying rituals and stunts.
I don't feed on prayers.
I am a god.
I do unselfish, calculated and rational acts.
I do love with no boundaries, with no threats of eternal damnation.
I am a god.
I can't be offended
I can't be insulted
I am a god.

Right.

I have to constantly remind myself that you are not mine.

So, go ahead, play around.

Oh.

Pwede pong magselos?
Syet.
HAHAHAHA!

----------

okay.kalmado na ulit. whew!
hahaha! bipolar lang, baby?

Love is just another curse word...

...that goes with crap, shit, bull and fuck.

I sound like a broken-hearted teenager.

No, I'm not. Not yet. Hopefully, not again.

Paranoia, I must say.

Maybe there's something to hold onto. Maybe he's madly and passionately in love with me, too. Maybe he's as crazy about me as I am to him. Maybe he's also mooning over me and missing me every hour of each day. Maybe he's as annoyed as me because of the distance that separates us.

Maybe, just maybe. Again.

This is why I hate love. And I love you.

------------------

Or maybe, I just need somebody to listen to my outrageous ideas.

Today I need a confidante, not a lover not even a close friend.

Is that normal?

Lunes.

I never hated Monday.

I always anticipate its coming.
Just like weekends
and slices of cake
and a sundae and
anything sweet.

Monday is a sweet day.
It fuels me; brings me into a realm
of intertwined dimensions.
I like Monday and its simplicity
disguised by weekend hangovers
and melo-drama trivialities.


I like Monday.
It reminds me that a busy week is ahead;
ensures me that I wouldn't die today;
that I have lived for the past weeks;
that I would carry on and on and on.

Monday is a day of hope.
It gives me reasons to do better than yesterday;
to live life to its fullest, or foolest;
to have fun, to hope and to work,
to love and to discover,
to explore the world.


*disclaimer: disclaimed.

What could possibly go wrong?

When your writing skills go with your college days you are probably in deep shit.

Do you really have the skill? Or is it just one of those wishful thinkings?

Dreamy.

You tried and tried to read articles, blogs or anything that can uplift your spirit so as to make you spit the right words, sadly, there was nothing. Nada.

You continuously succumb into throwing words out of the window, feeling they are all one and the same. And then, your inferiority complex makes a grueling comeback. Your grammar sucks. You don't know how to use the heaven-forsaken language and its syntax. You're a poser. Knowing the difference between YOUR and YOU'RE; and among THEIR, THERE and THEY'RE doesn't make you a grammar genius. Even the knowledge you hold with the proper use of BETWEEN and AMONG won't make any fucking sense. What do you do next?

You fall into a vortex of self-pity. Shamelessly, you announce to your blog that there's nothing worth reading in it. This is just a site full of crap, misery and drama that even your writing potentials leave. How can I ever turn that maderpader writing potential into KINETIC (moving/useful) skill.

Life. Cruel life. And now, I'm blaming life and next the Solar system, the Milky Way and the whole Universe. Hahaha.

Now I am wondering if what I'm feeling is a rush of hormonal girl shit or is it really my subconscious self overpowering my usual insane side.

And then I ask my self...

You want to become a writer? You want to tell stories? You want to become a filmmaker?

Yeah. I want to become all of those. Plus a money-maker.

 Where am I good at?

Whining? Babbling? Talking non-sense? Covering my most profound unconscious side (which may change the course of humanity) because I am such a coward?

I'm stressed. Clearly. Who isn't?

It's almost 1 in the afternoon.

I know the cure.

FOOD. and lots of LOVE.  or
LOVE. and lots of FOOD.

Naga.

I did not take any photo of my not-so-anticipated-home-coming. Let's use our imagination, instead.

I got here on the evening of Saturday. I felt really tired. I wore an overrated checkered long sleeves, paired with jeans and sneakers. I was a pretentious backpacker since I was carrying a big, black, bad-ass back pack and a black camera bag. I planned to stroll the city beforehand but since I got off late, I just headed straight home.

Sleeping on my bed seemed surreal. Tucking in. Rolling over. And kicking pillows. It was paradise.

Then, the sun rays came in. It was Sunday morning. No, the rain wasn't falling. Sun was actually beaming at me; teasing me to go out and enjoy the temporary gift. But I didn't give in. I refused the bright sun. I just stayed at home, watched movies, and listened to Jim Sturgess' version of the Beatles songs.

I thought it was a loooong rest. But my work followed me. I had to check my e-mail and send random updates to people. Life. That's fine. I still love it, though. I had to go out because our Internet connection's down. And so, I chose to pay for an overpriced coffee at the infamous Starbucks. I got lucky, I found a friend to join me. We went to a bar to drink a bottle of vodka then visited the newly established McDonald's and then flew home.

I immediately got to bed and tried sleeping. Didn't work. Caffeine-induced. I was literally up the whole night. It sucked. I, then, decided to edit some videos from my college years but hadn't finished it because I was too lazy to wait for all the clips to be rendered. Poor video. It would have been a life changer. Hahaha.

And then... I slept the whole morning. I got my hair did the afternoon and escaped home this evening.

Went to Beanbag where college kids flocked. Oh, how boisterous they always are! Imagine me eavesdropping to their love stories and academic rants. Yeah, I miss college. I miss being a student. I feel like I'm a full grown up human being. I caught myself repeatedly mumbling the word, "KIDS."

Good thing, my tummy got very hungry. I rushed here at Bigg's and I found refuge. Cool. Nobody's too loud. No dramas. No catching ups.

But I still miss being a student.

Just Another Ordinary Day.

Stressed.

Not too much, though. Almost reaching the adrenaline rush this morning but ended up blocking it with conversations of fixing and yes, tears almost flowed or followed or was allowed to fall. Maybe, just a sheer hormonal imbalance...just a sheer, raging and raging..dang. the repetition is such a temptation. 

----------

Whew! No! Shouting at the top of my lungs wouldn't suffice my frustrations.

Get over it, kiddo! Handle it like an adult, you piece of bird-brain!

Everyone has a money problem. You all share the same sky. An overcast leaden sky

Anak ng watermelon float! Di pa ko nakaka-withdraw e ubos na sa pag-budget ang pera ko. Paksyet. Pamilyadong tao lang, te? Hahaha! 

Yes, I'm still playing that good girl role. Can't help it.

All these selfish thoughts remain to be just floating in my mind.

Again, get over it, kiddo!

A rest will do...plenty of undisturbed rest...

Oportunista. And Random Tales.

Our big boss is on leave. I only have to supervise some minor revisions of a project. Thus, the stolen freedom to aimlessly and shamelessly write about anything this universe can offer.

I'll grab this opportunity to scribble month-aged thoughts. Bear with me for you have no other choice. *wink*


-----------------

Deedee outrages when he learns the news himself. Nobody notified him earlier. It appears as a big shock of his life. He isn't ready yet. His big baby isn't a grown up yet. But his people believed otherwise. They released his big baby and it's now in full throttle.

-----------------

As she drives into the honey-glazed horizon
Feeling the breeze on her face,
on every strand of her locks,
on her neck, on her shoulder blades,
While her almond-eyes glimmer
with silver dews,
Reflecting all
unrequited love, ceaseless sadness,
unbearable yearning and burning anger.
Long, winding, narrow and
pitch black the road has become
Confusing and chaotic as
her thoughts
The wind grows stronger and sharper
Her heart thumps louder and louder
and louder
Until a resounding crash
filled the empty road
Her mind lost in tranquility,
deluded into the honey-glazed horizon.

---------------------

Mental suicide.

Oftentimes I feel like I have a calling to write and make films and tell stories. But these always come with overwhelming doubts and fears. The lack of skills, the lack of time to develop specific skills, the lack of human help I can get especially now that my college buddies are busied by different things. Yes, I am a coward. Now, how can I make a change?