What shall i do?

Hay. Magabat na naman pagmati ko.

Nakakasuya.

I'm still hoping na yaon man giraray xa. Pero anong magagawa ko kung iba naman talaga ang gusto nyang gawin sa buhay. Hindi ko naman sya pwede dung pigilan. Hay.

Naggood bye naman ko saiya pero tano ta nakukulugan pa nanggad ako. Ano ta arog kaini ang namamate ko?makulog. magabat.

tano ta arog kani?

kasalan ko talaga kung tano mayong naghahaloy sako?

arog ako kayan ka wooorsstt?duh. dae man ngani.

anong problema ninda sa ugali ko?

anong sala sa mga ginigibo ko?

bako man akong dominante.

possessive, dae man..

selosa, nasa lugar man..

open minded man baga ako..pero tano ini dae ko maintindihan.waah.makulugon ang hanep.

lintik. so ano, pagkamoot ni? o mah lang?

Broken and Miserable

It started last 1summer on the 10th day of May.

The moment I talked to him I actually admired him.

When I heard him sang I was fascinated and mesmerized by his voice.

As we ate and chatted I was able to establish an unexplainable connection with him.

Then he bid good bye, shook my hand and said, "Nice meeting you, El."

That was the first day we met each other.


*All other encounters with him were already posted here last month.


And now, as I reminisce all those good times, I can't help but be teary-eyed and regretful.

I'm missing him so much.

I miss our long talks.
I miss our petty debates.
I miss our long walks.

I miss his penetrating stares.
I miss his magical smiles.
I miss his hand on mine.
I miss his presence while I play.
I miss his voice everytime he calls my name.
I miss his...

crap.i ccan't continue typing anymore..putcha.naghihibi ang gaga.hahaha.

waah.

I just miss him.

"I dont wnt to let u go even if in the frst plce ur nt mine. i dnt wnt to let u go bcos i love u. but evrythng seems to be vague now.i got tired of pushing through ths battle singlehandedly.i love u and i'll always cherish those few weeks spent blisfully with u.thanks ben.adieu."

Sent it twice. And I was able to receive nothing as a response.

I had no choice left but to say this in a text message. hay, there may not be a significant difference if i told him this personally. and besides, we should have had our talk last tuesday but he did not bother himself to make an effort to talk to me that day.

It ends tonight, it ends tonight..waaaah. :'(

I've tried it but they all leave me cold

Yah,the title speaks for itself.

Tama si Naxcz, 'what else is new?'

__O__

I seek and manage to find the 'wrong' one.

I seek and manage to get a heart break.

I seek and manage to be left, again.

I seek and manage to fail, for the nth time.

I seek and fail and cry and recover.

I manage to start all over when that suppose-to-be-right-one decided to part my way.

I manage to smile again when he told me it was time to set me free.

I manage to keep my head high when he said that he wasn't the one for me.

I manage to control my sobs when he rejected the love I offer.

I manage to live life to it's fullest every time a suppose-to-be-right one hurt me for their own bull shit reasons.

__O__

It's pretty depressing writing all this hatred stuffs. Not that I hate those people. It's just that I hate the circumstances I put myself into. Quite annoying.

Can anyone volunteer to love me but be sure to let me know your expiration date. It's hard to be caught off guard especially when you thought everything was smooth sailing. :(

3 months

tatlong buwan ka palang pala nag--eexist sa buhay ko pero talo mo pa ang edad ng mundo sa dami ng mga pangyayaring ibinahagi mo sakin sa maikling panahon.

oo. hindi oras ang basehan ng kahit anong uri ng pagkakaibigan.kahit pa may halo itong pitik ng pag-ibig.pusakal.kalokohan na nman mga linalagay ko dito.
type ng type ng kahit ano.
nagkataon lang na ikaw ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.magaling ka dun diba.shet,mapagod ka naman.yikes, ang baduy.

tatlong buwan!potek.ano kaya kung di kita nakilala?


masalimoot kaya ang buhay ko?

sino maliban sa team ang hahayaan kong ihatid ako sa bahay o kahit sabayan lang ako?

sino naman kaya sana ang kasama ko?

sino kaya ang nagturo sa kin ng pagtake ng pix?

sino kaya maghihintay sa akin habang binabagyo na ang Naga?

sino kaya isinama ko sa Sci at kina Ching?

sino kaya ang maswerteng lalaking yun?

waaah.sinayang mo pare.joke.haha.ayos lang yan..di naman ako kawalan sayo..
sabihin nating BONUS lang.mabubuhay ka naman kung wala ako. TULAD NG GINAGAWA MO NGAYON.lol,peace.:p pero kung nandyan ako parang pandagdag buhay lang.

shet.yan lang ba talaga parte ko sa mga buhay ng mga lalaking iniiwan ako.woot.drama.hahaha

wala.kakasawa rin kasi..pwede naman kayong magstay bat kelangan magjourney mag-isa?hay.siguro ako lang yung sawa na magjourney mag-isa.

gaguhan talaga.haen ka na kaya.barudon man magreflect at magrecollect.hehe.peace.

take ur time.malamang pag tapos na oras mo,hindi ako hahanapin at pupuntahan mo..

pustahan?!


hahaha.maligaon ako.wooh!

Ending things in a nice way.

"Being emotionally unprepared is not a valid reason when a guy starts to lure a girl then later on decides to end his game..."


It was a rather implied statement from a guy friend of mine. Don't know what to say when he asked me about the whereabouts of Mr. Special Someone in my heart. What's our status? Where is right now? Why isn't he here watching you play? What happened to the two of you?

Roar!Shut the fuck up, dear friend!hahaha.

Yeah, I know he's concerned. But the fact that I don't want to talk about it and that he kept on probing things annoyed me much.

I know. I know.

Our talk was a nice way of ending things up. You don't have to slap it on my face and feed me with such blatant words that made me feel so silly, martyr and hell of a hope-against-hope kind of person. I'm trying to move on and forget every little thing about him. But I can't help missing him. As always, I'm used to be left alone every now and then. Such losers don't deserve me. But he does deserve me. I'm the one who doesn't deserve him, loser. My world doesn't revolve to him and besides I've got a batallion of friends to help me out of this murky state. But everytime I see you coming 'round, I get down on my knees and pray...

Hay. Lagi ko naman kinakaya 'to. Sus. Ako pa? Lalaki lang yan. Marami pa jan. Duh. Sa haba ng buhok ko. Tsk. Tsk. Pero sya nga yung gusto ko. Hindi problema kung wala, mas problema nga kung meron. Pero pag nandyan sya, wala akong problema. Masaya naman buhay ko kahit hindi ko sya kasama o nakikita. Nabuhay naman ako ng ilang taon ng wala sya. Pero ibang ang magiging takbo ng taon kung nandyan sya. Kalokohan lang kung patuloy akong aasa sa wala. Pagtapos ng lahat, kasalanan ko rin naman 'to. Pero kung kalokohan at kasalanan ko 'to wala namang pakialaman, kaya tuloy lang.

Waah.gaga na naman akong tatawagin. Leche naman.

* Tila lalong bumabaon ang palaso na nakatarak sa puso ko.

Songs playing inside my head

hayaan nyo na kung mali-mali ang lyrics.hahaha. :p

"desperate for changing, starving for truth..im closer to wer i started. im chasing after you..im falling even more in love with you.."

"someday you will find me, caught beneath the landslide. in a champagne supernova, a champagne supernova in the sky..."

"loving is not owning..."

"tonight im falling and i cant get up, i need your loving hands to come and pick me up. and every night i miss you i can just look up. and know the stars are holdin you, holdin you, holdin you tonight.."

"when you love someone you've got to learn to let them go..."

"i'll burn the city just to show you the light..."

"give me more loving than i ever had.make me feel better when im feeling sad.tell me im special even when i know im not. Make me feel good when i hurt so bad. barely getting mad I'm so glad i found you. i love being around you..."

"im just a little girl lost in the moment. im so scared but i dont show it..."

"tomorrow morning if you wake up and the sun does not appear..i will be here.."

*waah.umasa ka pa.di na yun babalik.sows.u were left alone again.herak mo man.hahaha

Whata reaction.

aw.crap.ngayon ko lang narealize di pala ako nakapass sa world lit ng reflection.patay.:(

anyway.

I saw him tonight, with his friend. Dunno why my first instinct was to call his name aloud. Embarassing, I know. I'm sooo enthusiastic when I clearly shouted his name, waved to him, and greeted him good night. Though, he managed to smile. Shocks.

It happened so fast and I was able to realize what I've done after I and my team mates crossed the street.
I was murmuring these words to them, "Dyahe. Shocks. Maribukon ako. Nakakasupog. Parisahun."
And they told me while laughing at what out burst I did, "Kasupog sana. Dyaheng maray. Tsk. Tsk."

Waah.

It's just that I'm missing the person. There's no point of concealing what I feel.

He's not an avid reader of my blog, anyway. So, there's no way he'll know I miss him when I don't make him feel that I do.

Hay. I hope I won't tire myself hoping for nothing,nothing,nothing.

Sabi dun sa Cosmopolitan na nabasa ko sa salon nina Ekoy, "When he says, you need a break it means that he's ending it. It's just nicer to say it this way."lol.

So, ano nga ba yung sinabi nya nung nag-usap kami?

Not yet ready to jump into another relationship?
-i'm not even anticipating one.

Hooh.ano na ko.

Lango na naman sa tamang pagmamahal ngunit maling panahon at tao. hay.

I'm in love with life but it seems that life's not in love with me. :'(

ayaw na.makulog baga.ako man lang may kasalan ta sinabihan na kong dae mag-asa.hay.implied.but not stated.waaah.

kelangan talaga iwan ako pag may nararamdaman na ko para sa tao?

gagahan masyado.

Yeah right, you're missing him.

"A second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by
I'm hopin' just to be by your side
I'm turnin' the handle, it won't open
Don't make me wait 'cause right now I need your smile
Knock, knock"

hanggang kelan?shet.
kinakain ko yung lagi kong inaadvise na "don't rush things.."rawr.

emotional distance pare!masaklap.

As the cliche goes: so near yet so far.

hay.hayaan mo na nga.ganyan talaga ang buhay.

may umaalis at may dumadating.
may sandali ka lang sasamahan.
may pangmatagalan.
but nothing lasts forever.:(

Scared no more

Yey. Nag-usap na kami.

Whew. Di nya nman pala ako tuluyang iiwan. Haha. I'm sooo paranoid.

I understand his situation. Tama lang naman yung naging desisyon nya.
I dunno why but I'm really happy for him. For us. :)

Habang nag sasalita sya ng mga tungkol sa akin di ko maiwasang kiligin.weeh. cheezy.
Wala lang. I always find him attractive kahit ako na yung binibigyan nya ng compliments and all.
Shocks. I also find him fascinating. He never fails to amaze me everytime we talk. Wow. He gives scholarships to students. Ayos. Naunahan pa ako sa advocacy ko. *applause*

At dahil sa pag-uusap naming 'to lalo pa akong nabigyan ng glimpse of his true identity.weeeh.
Baduy man at parang masyadong maaga pa pero yun "...i'm falling even more in love with you..."wahaha..oops. bawal nga pala. Single muna pala sya. Hehe.
But there's nothing wrong in what I feel for him. It's just that, I should not expect anything in return.Right?

Hmm, on the other hand...medyo scary. Kasi ang dami na namang pumapasok sa utak kong "what if..."

Pero yan nga..be positive.
Should always remember that a dark tunnel always has a welcoming light at the end.
What would come, would come. And he would have to meet it when it did."

Yey. so optimistic again. i love myself. i love ben...as a friend.haha.

*still into him. :)

Preparing myself to be left (again).

Aw. Hay. I feel it. Crap.

I'm trying to forget all those good times. shit.
I'm trying to forget all those smiles.
I'm trying to forget all those stares.
I'm tring to forget all those long walks at night.
I'm trying to forget all those hugs and kisses.
I'm trying to forget all those endearments.

I'm starting to detach my self from him.

I'm reprogramming my thoughts about him.

I'm doing the ever-effective cognitive dissonance.

I feel it.

It's nearing its end.

I'm preparing myself to be left again.

Hoping that this time no precious drops will be shed.

Damn!

It will be a taste of hell again.

*sigh*

Nobody's strong enough to endure heartache.oh.

ang bilis naman.
hay. sana mali pa rin 'tong duda ko.
sana praning lang talaga ako mag-isip.
hay.
pero, anong pag-uusapan namin sa thursday?biglaan yung pagrequest nya ng talk.amp.
patay. i'm pretty scared.

My share of anxieties.

I wanna cry my heart out.

Alright. Tumutulo na ang luha. shet. ang drama.

Eh kasi naman...

Nagkataon na ako at si Sir I-dunno-the-name na lang ang naiwang naglalaro kanina tapos after nun ako na lang. Nadedepress lang ako kasi mag-isa lang akong uuwi. Mag-isang mag-aayos ng table. Mind you, bubuhatin yun. Rawr. Mag-isang mag-aayos ng place. Mag-isang lalabas ng Ateneo. Mag-isang magdidinner. Miserable!

The only solution I thought was to call the rescue of my ever beloved Ben. Well, hindi sya yung Superman ko ngayong gabi dahil hindi niya sinasagot yung tawag ko. 'Tian. 3 attempts ng pagtawag mula sa pay phone ng PLDT. Wala talaga. Hopeless. Idagdag pa yung katotohanang miss na miss ko na yung tao.

Anyway, buti dumating si Carlo. At tinulungan nya ko sa table. Pero after nun, iniwan niya rin naman ako. Hay buhay.

Back to Ben, yun nga di nya talaga sinagot. hay. Tapos pagdating ko ng bahay tinext ko sya. Well, kahit isang libong beses ko pala inattempt na tawagan sya ay di nya sasagutin
dahil di na karegister sa phone niya yung num at akala nya yung kuya nya ung tumatawag.

Kaya heto ako nagtatampo at di naman rinereplyan. Dada ng dada, wala naman pa lang kausap.Grrr.

Hay, at wala nga pala akong karapatang magtampo. Gaga kasi. Hoping. crap.

Waiii. Hindi ka ganun ka importante sa kanya. Wawa man.

At nagreply na xa..wala na raw syang masabi.hay.arg.

mahirap talagang sabihin ang "i miss you, too" kapag di mo naman talaga namimiss yung tao. hay.


what he feels for me is not that deep.
anytime the wind will blow...
it'll carry his feelings for me somewhere far...
far from me. :(

wah.bitter.

nu ba ako?!
i must trust him.

Weeh.

Still happy. :)

whatever will be, will be...

let us all wait and see.

for now, we're enjoying each other's company. right? :)

Die feelings!Die!

Oh crap!

I thought I was able to make myself back to its righteous state.

This is getting insane.

I am alone in this battle.

Armed with no weapons.

Prepared with no tactics.

Shielded with no coats.

Hay. Hay.

It's an inevitable feeling.

No matter what it is.

This must come to an end.

Paglumalayo ako ay lumalapit ka!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Explanation 101

Gonna explain things here.
No metaphors.
No idiomatic expressions.
Direct.

start.

Question:
Bakit kita pinabasa nito?
Answer:
Wala akong ibang maisip na paraan para mag-explain ng kagagahan ko.

Mag two-two months na rin naman since the day we met each other. Sa pag-uusap pa lang natin under the heat of the sun eh napabilib na ako sa conversation skills mo. Plus bwisit na boses mo yan, sobrang gandang pakinggan. At yun, siguro dahil nga friendly and all ka nakipag-usap ka sakin without any hesitation. Masaya. Dumating yung bagay na nakakahiyang ishare. Boypren/Girlpren issue. You told me, "Ex na". I believed it.

Ilang linggo ang lumipas. Lagi na kitang nakikita. Shet destiny. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko. Malamang hindi sya. (haha. i was indeed right)

Hanggang two weeks ago ba?
Hindi na lang kita nakikita. Nakakasama pa. Nasosolo pa.hihi.
Talaga namang kelangan ko ng racket. Ikaw yung naisip ko. Di ba isa yan sa napagkwentuhan natin dun sa swimming. sports. :)
Yun, kelangan kong masigurado kung mapapahiram mo ko. So, I asked your number from Marc. He gave me.
Sabi mo sure..basta ingatan.hehe
Masaya.

Pumasok sa eksena yung ABC. Crap. Nagkita na naman tayo. I keep on glancing at your direction, hoping that you we're also stealing a glance at me.
Di ko alam kung oo.
Basta bigla ka na lang sumulpot at naglalaro ka na rin ng table tennis.
Masaya.

Nagpasama ka ng asiawise. at walang reluctancy naman akong umoo. that was friday. masaya. saw you kahit di gano matagal.

Saturday, sumunod na encounter natin eh nung kinulit na kita about dun sa lecheng racket na hinihiram ko.hihi. Nagtext ka na nasa Bigg's with Ekoy. At eto naman yung gagang atat sa racket, pumunta.
Kala ko eh dala mo na. Disppointed dahil walang racket. Pero masaya dahil nakaisip kang isali ako sa pagdate nyo.hahaha. Hindi ko alam kung sadyang gusto mo yung Careless Whispher na pinakikinggan natin o talagang sinasabayan mo rin ng pagpapacute sakin. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, mabait lang talaga tong taong to. Amen.

Mala. Sunday. Mga bandang 5pm..kumakaripas ako papuntang LCC dahil sa wala akong kasama at wala ka ring kasama. You ought to buy a racket dahil hindi mo pa nga nakukuha yung sayo. At gusto mong may magamit ako. Sweet. Bulate. Bat ang bait mo?!
At akalain mong nag-eenjoy akong sinasamahan ka sa pagtingin ng shirts, pants and shoes. Haha.
I went home smiling.

This is getting deeper.tsk.

I dunno kung pasasalamatan ko si Sir dahil nagkaroon ako ng chance makasama ka for almost the whole day dahil sa photog. Ang dami kong natutunan sayo. Sarap mong kasama. Di ka nakakasawang kausap. At parang gusto kong wag matapos yung araw para makasama ka lang.
Masayang-masaya.

Aware na ko sa kagagahan ko. A friend warned me na baka may girlfriend ka na. At eto ako, defending you na "ex nga. sabi nya ex!"

Nasundan pa ng ilang encounters.

You made me feel special ng hintayin mo ko hanggang sa matapos ako magtutor. That was two hours. Parang walang sayo pero sobrang saya ko. Wala pa kayang gumagawa sakin nun. Not even friends.hahha.
Sobrang saya.

Hay.Hay.

days later.

Friday night. you texted me. na kelangan mong ilipat ang files mo. i need to do this favor. yun ung justification ko,dahil nga tinulungan mo naman ako sa photog..
you were there, sitting. pero parang grabe pa rin epekto, kahit ng presence mo, sa akin.

di na ko nakatiis. i need to know kung talagang friendly ka nga lang talaga. and to verify kung may girlfriend ka nga.
and hell, yeah, it was indeed true.

haha.

masakit. pero im going to be fine. dont worry. sanay na ako.hahaha

hindi ko lang masabi ng harapan.haha.nawala ung confidence ko bigla sa tao. gumuho rin yung kawalanghiyaan ko.haha.

kaya yan.sorry if I expected something.hehe.

we can still be friends.pero wag muna ngayon. joke!
maghheal muna ko.haha.saka na. after pirang weeks or months.hehe.suba lang.haha

un naman talaga dapat eh.haha.masupog saimo.

ahm, clarifications? comments? reactions? suggestions?

open ako makipag-ulay.hehe.wag mo lang akong ipressure.haha.sorry man.

so eto.hehe.yan.

end.

Thought it was right!

*Sigh.

I am not supposed to be hurt.

But why am I bleeding this way?

Perhaps,
I thought the right person came.

Perhaps,
I thought the right time's today.

Perhaps,
I thought the right person for him was I.

Perhaps,
I thought the right love came along.

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Perhaps,
I don't love him but I thought he will love me.

Perhaps,
I don't love him but I thought he will make me love him.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

Perhaps,
I want him to be the fluid truth in my life.

But perhaps,
He already met the single fact in his life.

Perhaps.

Drop it! It can't be!

Searching signs of your heart in vain

I found it held by someone

I picked up mine

Intoxicated.

Shuttered.

Shredded.

Pieces.

Gone.

Friendly Friend!

*you deserve this post


You don't have to stare at me that way.
Your eyes need not be that twinkling every time I'm around.

You don't have to smile at me that way.
Your lips need not be that magical each time you smile at me.

You don't have to wait for me for two hours
when you're suppose to be going somewhere else at that moment

You don't have to teach me how to take photos
when you're suppose to be doing something else at that moment

You don't even have to walk at my direction
and greet me
when someone's greeting you, instead

You don't have to invite me for a snack
and entertain me
when someone's with you, instead


We're not suppose to walk a kilometer and a half
when typhoon is striking the city

We're not suppose to talk like we're the only two beings
when somebody is talking loudly


Heavens!wohoo.

Sparkle

This is an exhausting day. I've been fed up with all my paper works and photo shoot. The submission of both will be tomorrow. One in the morning and the other is in the afternoon. Both hemisphere of my brain tried to work accordingly. I feel like a glass of water emptied by a thirst being.

Photography's never been my line of interest when this optimistic, world loving, understanding and ever friendly guy taught me to take a photo. I never expected him to be very spontaneous while teaching me. Jargons about photography came out from his mouth so smoothly that I need to scold myself and behave. Shutter speed, aperture and ISO; things I thought I would live without knowing them. Haha. Nice meeting you, three.
Well after all the theories he imbibed to me it's now the time to take my knowledge in the field. I got pretty nervous. I don't want him seeing my lame shots but I can do nothing. I tried clicking the DSLR I borrowed from Nagj. Of course the first shot was a total mess but he continued encouraging me to just practice.

I got a Theo class at 3pm so we took a break and promised to continue later after my class.

As gentleman as he is. He kept his promise. He spent his vacant hours trying to teach me the trick of photography. We went to one of the buildings and tried to took shots from that high angle. He's very patient when it comes to teaching me the "hows". When the both of us can't think of anything to be framed he used me as his subject.

He's not flirting. He's just friendly.

And oh, how I love to hang around with him. May it be playing his sports or mine, swimming like children, eating in a food chain, window shopping for his planned to buy shoes, walking from downtown to Ateneo and probably just sitting around the corner waiting for someone to start talking; name it.

Yes. He is no way a flirt. Only a friend...