I let go, but there's just no one the gets me like you do.

-Yellowcards's Only One

Is the goddess forgiven?
Despite all the fuzz right now, I'm bothered.
Please. I'm really sorry.
Or should I just shut my mouth? *sigh*





-----

ay pagod na pagod na pagod na maghapon. i can use a hug right now. :|

Busiest 27.

I can't tell the whole story right now. I'm kinda busy entertaining by cousins. I had fun last night during the homecoming in Sci High. The after party was also something. But I missed half of it.

I jogged this morning and played basketball with my cousins. I missed them. It was like ages ago since we last met.

Whew.

Anyway, I want to watch Gayuma but I'm broke now and I can't go to any places because of my cousins. *sigh*


----

I just want to say sorry. :|

And here I go, losing my control. I'm practicing your name, So I can say it to your face.

- MYMP's Sway


Yey! Happy 3rd month kina Gorgeous and Comely. ^_____^

-----

Two months na rin para sakin.

-----

Na-carried away lang yata ako kagabi. Eeee. Nakakainis naman kasi talaga. Ansakit-sakit kaya. Hay, I just realized I've got so many things to tell you personally. I've got so many questions to ask. Kaso naduduwag ako sa mga isasagot mo. Maliban sa paulit-ulit na hindi mo alam ang sagot eh baka sadyang nakakatakot ang sasabihin mo. Hay.

Minsan naman sana matuto kang pigilan ako. Alam mo namang matigas ang ulo ka at nagtatapang-tapangan lang ako. Pasensya ka na, iba kasi ang pag-iinarte ko. Intindihin mo na lang. Hay. Ang gaga ko naman oh! Bat ba ko nagrerequest nito sa'yo eh eexit na nga ako? Grr.

----

Kasi naman, pag-huma-hot fudge sundae ka, wala na! Natutunaw na ko! Feel na feel kong ako lang 'yun. Ako lang naman talaga yun. Hay. Bat ganun?

----

One thing.

I love you, still.

Pwede ka ng umalis. Hindi naman kita pipigilan.

-and so, i left the place teary-eyed and hurt


I was hoping against hope. For a moment, I thought I was someone to him. Maybe just someone whom he would choose to stay around. Guess what? I am not important to him, anyway. Why am I wasting my time thinking about the fucking bond, I thought we share. Screw that bond! That's non-existent.

Yeah, that was just a fucking October fling. Of course, there wasn't special about that. He was just lonely and heart-broken. I was just there to comfort him. And then I fucking fell in love with him. Everything changed. Then, she talked to him and boom. He's swayed; not even confused. He chose her over me. That wasn't difficult, again, I'm nothing compared to her.


-----
Syet nagdadrama ako.

Hay, maging ang mga luha ko ay nangangailangan rin ng inspirasyon. Hindi ko alam pero nasasaktan na naman ako. Hindi kita sisisihin, ikaw yan eh. Ganyan ka nga siguro talaga. Wala sa ugali mo ang pigilan ang kahit sinong aalis sa'yo. Ganyan talaga. Hindi, hanggang ganito lang talaga ang halaga ko sa'yo. Hindi ako ganun ka importante para pag-aksayahan ng oras at mga salita mo. Siguro sa tingin mo, kung hindi nga ako makakatagal sa'yo, marahil wala talagang tayo. Kung alam mo lang, ilang pamantayan ko na ang nawala at ilang batas na rin sa sarili ko ang sinira ko para sa'yo. Masakit. Leche. Panakip-butas dati, sabi ng marami. Nagmumukhang kabit ngayon. Potek. Nasisiraan na yata ako ng bait? Unang-una sa ayoko eh may involve na other female species, ayoko ko ng agawan issue, ayoko ng third party crap, tapos ngayon. Ako pa yung illegal. Tipong hindi mapakali dahil anytime baka pagdudahan. Eh lahat ng lalaki basta alam kong may ibang babae ng involve, nagkukusang exit ako at never ng bumabalik. Tapos ngayon...Grrr. Ano ba naman ako?

I'm becoming my own contradiction. I'm breaking my rules. I'm doing it all for someone who hasn't got the balls to tell me to stay beside him. Or maybe, he has the balls, but I'm just a trash. Yeah, a trash. He doesn't need me. He never even said he cares.

Wala na ngang patutunguhan pero andito pa rin ako. Hindi na nga ako pinipigilang umalis pero nagdadalawang-isip pa rin. Sinabihan na ngang okay lang kahit bitiwan na yung nararamdaman ko pero heto at dinadama ko pa rin.


Hahaha. Hayan, tumutulo na. Para na naman akong tanga. Iniiyakan ang boyprend ng iba. Siyet. Bull shit. Nakakawala ng ganda. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam. Oo na, kulang na lang sabihin mo sakin na tigilan na kita.

Leche. Masakit, walang biro.

*sigh*

I'm the only one who gets to call him Asshole.

-Jennifer Aniston said that as Nicole Hurley in the movie the Bounty Hunter.

Kwento ni Juan Castro VII.

Kung mahilig kayo sa mga love stories in video, malamang eh kilala ninyo si Marcelo Santos. Marami na siyang posts sa Youtube. Idol siya ng barkda ko, Nikko B. ang pangalan niya. He assumed the pen name of Juan Castro VII at gumagawa na rin siya ng love story sa video. Ginawa niya yung Entablado. Isang love story ng magbestfriend na sinamahan pa ng ex. Neb ang pangalan ng bidang lalaki. Elaine ang pangalan ng bestfriend nya. Trixie ang pangalan ng ex-gf.

Actually, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ibina-blog ko 'to. Hahaha. Anyway, my friend asked me a favor to edit the third part. Pero nawala sa isip ko at yun na-post na rin naman. Hahaha. Paunti-unting naa-appreciate ng tao yung ginagawa nya. Well, okay na rin yun at para matapos na ang hangover nya kay ex. Hahaha. Yah, maypagka-true-to-life ang kwentong yun.Nakakaloka lang kasi ako si Elaine. Pffft. WALA PO AKONG GUSTO SA KAIBIGAN KO. PERIOD. At ang tinutukoy niyang entablado at pagtatanghal ay yung play namin last September. Okay, hindi na rin naman ako naka-angal dahil hindi naman ako ang sumusulat. Nakakaaliw lang kasi masyadong emotional tong kaibigan ko at pati paggawa ng love story ay hindi na rin inaatrasan. Hahaha. Oh well, enough said.


*kung gusto niyong mabasa yung 3 episodes ng Entablado. Search niyo na lang 'to sa Youtube, AOVreAper.

You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser. You can be the pencil and I can be the paper.

-Auburn's Perfect Two

I left the chat tab of him open.
He's offline.
I keep on typing random things on it.

Crazy love notes.

i miss you (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

jerk! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

bat ganito? (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

i miss you! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

asshole! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

yie!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

four-leaf clover!!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

mag-on line ka nga!!! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

i miss you jerk! (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

please... :( (send as a message)

Your chat message wasn't sent because HE is offline.

Stupid me.
I must do the right thing.
Goodness!
The more I resist the feeling, the more I miss him.



*kung may blog kaya siya, ano kayang sinasabi nya tungkol sakin?hay.*

For every piece of me that wants you, another piece backs away.

-James Morrison's You Give Me Something
'cause you give me something that makes me scared, alright this could be nothing but I'm willing to give it a try.


Bakit ba pag may okasyon tuma-timing ang pagkawala ng kaligayahan ko. Una, yung birthday ko tapos ngayong pasko. Arg. Hay. Pero yun kasi yung dapat. But why is there hesitation in his words? Siyet. NO. NO. NO.

If only...

I guess we'll just have to meet either in our dreams or in outer space. Good bye my dearest.

Oh and by the way, he's not messing up my life. He's just shading it with different hues.

Bad romance. Bad joke.

Gullible me.

Paminsan-minsan para lang talaga akong tanga. Ambilis magtiwala, ambilis maniwala. Yun pala, bored lang. Hay, kahit kelan talaga hindi na ko natuto. Sadyang ako ang best pagtripan sa tuwing inaatake ng boredom ang male species.


I get it. Thanks for reminding me. :[

Don't come home for Christmas. You're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree. Merry Christmas, I could care less

-from FOB's Yule Shoot Your Eye Out


I've heard it's Christmas and it appears to be true. I'm not in the mood. I'm not anticipating this occasion. Yeah, call me an anti-social or better yet shout "Atheist!" at my face, I wouldn't care. I'm stubborn. I don't need to get a lecture about the biography of Jesus Christ and the greatness of God. People are enjoying. People are celebrating. Some are reminding the globe that we should remember the true essence of this occasion, but does the whole Christian community get the point?

As for me, I'm a self-proclaimed non-believer of the church. Curse me to hell and I would make this earth a hell for you. I respect the diversity of beliefs but I must also gain respect for my belief. I'm tired of listening to all the shits of being saved and promised of an everlasting life. Come on, a lifetime is enough. A promise of eternal salvation would be dull, boring and exhausting. That is soooo monotonous. Earth is still the best place. I won't exchange it for any heaven. Unless I'll have the privilege to wander in hell to visit some of my friends. Hahaha. Kidding.

(MASAMA LANG ANG LOOB KO DAHIL NAGPAPARTY ANG MAY-ARI NG BAHAY, PUMUNTA SINA MAMA,PAPA AT SHEN; AT HINDI NA TULOY NAPANSIN YUNG MGA LINUTO KO. PFFT.)

------
Crap. I'm a complicated entity. I'm a hard-headed lady, a stubborn daughter, a ruthless enemy, a pain in the ass lover, a pessimistic optimist. I'm a mixture of idealist, realist and rationalist. I'm Helen of Troy's descendant. I'm the cousin of Joan of Arc. In my past life, I was the reason why Alexander the Great preferred men over women. I was his nightmare. I'm the mistress of Shakespeare and the ex-lover of Victor Hugo. Hahaha! And now I'm in delusion.

-----
*sigh*

Kaya walang lalaking tumatagal sakin eh. Para akong praning magsalita. Hahaha. Una ma-aamaze sila. Then pagnarealize na nila, hindi na ko nakakatuwang kausap. Siyet. Pakiramdam ko nga wala nang ibang taong makakabasag ulit ng pader na itinayo ko.

Ay meron na pala. Meron na sana, kaya lang, can't be na. Hahaha. Ang taken ay taken. Hehehe. Hay, no one deserves me anyway. (YABANG!) Hahaha. I think I need to walk this earth SOLO.

You really are an enigma.

You know it's LOVE when you tell him you're FINE and yet he'll STAY for the REAL REASON.


FADED MEMORY:

"i don't give a shit...blah.blah.blah."
"yeah right. you don't give a shit, that's why you're here."
*mouth-zipped*
*wide smile*

Have you lost your mind or has she taken all of yours too?

A REPOST. I wrote this last December 26, 2009. Lahat ng wishful thinking ko ay ibinuhos ko sa kwentong 'to. Enjoy reading.


LOVE.

The gradient scent of Christmas filled the air as we walk around the downtown. I was wearing a red floral dress and he was in his white polo shirt and pants. We were like a living Christmas decor at this sight but we did not care.When he fetched me from home we were ridiculously laughing at each other. But it's not important. I was with him. He was with me. That matters most.

We decided to take our dinner in a cozy restaurant near the city park. The food was great. We had some small conversations in between our meals. He even cracked a joke and I laughed so hard that he tried to cover my mouth because an old couple was already glaring at us. I gave in and started to calm myself as I lovingly pinched his arm. He always makes me outburst of laughter whenever I'm with him.

It was now the time to go to church and hear the Yuletide mass. He payed our bill and gave the waiter a cheerful greeting of "Merry Christmas". He held me near him as we walked passed the crowded streets. We were walking with our hands clasped as we approached the majestic church. It was ornamented magically. The lanterns that welcomed the church-goers were brightly lit. It was a breath taking night. I closed my eyes to feel the season; I wanted to remember every detail of this night. I kissed him lightly on his cheek when I opened my eyes. He was caught off-guard then simply gave me a wide grin in response. We felt the Christmas breeze on our faces and heard the leaves rustled peacefully. We entered the church and listened intently to the mass.

We haven't left the church even after the mass. I needed a few moments more of silence with him in front of our Creator. I knelt and prayed hard to Him to give us many more Christmas together. If forever's impossible, a lifetime will be good enough. I noticed that he was staring at me with tears rolling down his handsome face. I wiped it and smiled at him. He knew what I prayed to God. He knew it will happen not for long. He wrapped his arms around me, so tight that I felt his warm body engulfing every nerve of my body. I hugged him, too. I ran my fingers through his velvet hair, looked him deep in the eyes, touched them, and finally caressed his nose and lips. I will never forget his face.

This is my last memory of him. I passed away a night after this. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor a year ago. It went from worse to worst. That day was miraculously the most normal day of my life since I was diagnosed with this tumor. I have no regrets. I love him and I will always do. Two years had already passed and though he hasn't found another girl I always wish him to find one. I even bugged Him to give my beloved someone who will take away the pain. I was surprised when He told me that he had already tried to give him one but he refused to accept it. Our Creator said, "He will love you up to his last breath. He swore this to me the very minute you told him your condition." *ninakaw ko sa deviant art. aliw na aliw lang ako sa combination ng kulay. girly pero malamig sa mata. hehehe.

Schizophrenic with a Messianic Complex: it's a euphemism for may sayad ng konte.

UBOD NG RANDOM.

My mind freezes but MY HEART, oh, it MELTS.

I'm confused. No. I'm quite sure. I'm quite sure that I'm confused. Pfft. I'm not making any sense.

I'm occupied by thousands of thoughts. I read somewhere that an average person has 50,000 thoughts a day. That made me feel better. I won't be worrying about my schizophrenic-like mind. Neurotic. Psychotic. I'm speaking jargon of the non sense. Screw my mind.

I'm thinking about him. I'm not blaming my hypothalamus for that. Geez. I'm thinking about him because all of my consciousness wants to. Crap. "Aren't there enough men in this planet? Come on, stop thinking about him."

So, I lied to him about two things. One, about the Legend of the Guardians. Yeah, I've watched that already, so what? I wanted to watch it again, with him. I wasn't scared by the Last Exorcism. Yes, I have the guts to watch that alone.

I feel like crying. I hate this feeling. I miss him. Why do I miss him? I don't know. It feels like we share something nobody can understand but us. But again, I have to deal with it. I'm just his friend. Screw that word.

------


I miss cloud. :|

We are lovers lost in space searching for our saving grace.

Tunaw na ang hot fudge sundae.
Linipad na rin ng hangin ang four-leaf clover.
Black hole na ang magandang bituin sa kalawakan.
Rumaragasa na rin ang dating kalmadong alon sa dagat.
Di bale na, tuloy pa rin ang buhay.
Hindi lang naman hot fudge ang flavor ng sundae sa Mcdo.
Swerte rin naman kung makapulot ka ng barya sa kalsada na head's-up. Lucky coin?
May bituin sa di kalayuan ang unti-unting lumalaki.
Tahimik at kalmado ang alon ng lawa.
Tuloy pa rin ang buhay.
Siyet.
Tuloy pa rin nga ba?

Hindi ko alam kung sinong ginagago ko? Oo. Nakikipaglokohan ako sa sarili ko.
Ano pa ba naman kasi ang silbi? Mas mainam na 'to. Sadyang ganito.

PERO, bullshit naman pare! Ano 'tong nararamdaman ko?

Hindi ko gusto ang nababasa ko. Ang aking nami-mind read.
Okay, gusto ko pala.

Pero. Marami ng pero. Pero.

Leche. Pahirapan. Eh ano na naman?


-life will turn for the better. PLEASE.

Riddle me. I'm speaking vague so i won't get sued.

They say it kills. I say it tortures.
It's like the night that envelopes the clouds in darkness.
When it engulfs you, it's inescapable.
It's like a vortex that whirls amidst the space.
Waiting, waiting to swallow a star.
It's the fruit of insecurities and the product of doubts.
They say it kills. I say it tortures.

Hahaha. Word play. So what's the answer?
------

Desperate people do desperate things during desperate times.

-----

Whew.

Paulit-ulit.
Palipat-lipat.
Paikot-ikot.
Pabalik-balik.
Nakakatuwa.
Nakakalungkot.
Lilitaw.
Lulubog.


Naghihintay.
Nagmamasid.
Nalulumbay.
Nag-iisa.
Nananaginip.
Nangungusap.

Random self.

Si Mutya, ang kapatid ni The Ideal.

Namiss na naman tuloy kita dahil sa wall post mo sakin sa fb. Siya nga pala, VP din sya. Hehehe. Maraming tumatawag sa kanyang Nica. Tawag sa kanya sa bahay ay Kikay. (Forgive me.hihihi) But I call her Mutya.

Dahil lahi sila ng matatalino, sadyang pasaway lang kuya niya, sa Sci High ko rin 'to nakilala. Well, hinahanap ko rin siya. Geez, ano ba yan. Nahahalata talagang. Grr. Anyway, eh parang may prior knowledge na siya sakin dahil na kwento ni ate niya na may crush ako kay kuya VP nya. Hahaha.

Pumasok siya ng CAT. Since opisyal din ako, hindi niya man nahalata (hindi nga ba?) pero I made sure na alaga siya at walang manttrip na ibang opisyal sa kanya.

She's sweet and charming. Pagngumiti to ng tunay, takte, panalo. (I talk like a stalker. hahaha.) Anyway. Kabaliktaran nung akala kong suplada siya. Mukha lang. Smart and pretty. Pero inosente pa rin 'to sa maraming bagay. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung nagkaboyprend na siya. Boylet siguro marami. Hahaha!

Tulad ng lahat ng tao may sarili rin tong sumpong at kiliti. Kelangan mo lang alamin para di ka mapahamak. Hehehe.

Maliban sa katotohanang kaya kami naging close eh dahil kay kuya nya, may mga bagay din naman siguro kaming pinagkakasunduan. We like Harry Potter more than Twilight. Ay mali! We love Harry Potter. We hate sparkling vampires. Am I right? Pareho rin kaming blogger. Mas magaling nga lang siya sakin magsulat. Sayang at hindi 'to nag-Communication. Tiyak magagamit nya lahat ng skills niya.

We don't get to talk often. We have our own set of friends. Hindi ko nga alam kung kaibigan ako nito. Hahaha. Ay oo! Sisters kasi kami. Kidding.

Basta. Basta. Kahit di na ko in lab kay kuya niya. Love ko pa rin 'to. ^_____^

I speak in riddles, so, go figure them out.

PFFFT! Pissed off.
I was so excited and fretting. But then nobody came.

Good thing.

(CALM)
The wind whispers breeze.
It touches the leaves.
It dances through the mist.
Strong as it appears,
So calm as it goes.

(STELLAR)

Stars aligned.
Sublime constellation.
Flickering lights.
Thousand bulbs.

(ERRONEOUS)
Close to perfection.
Perfection from a distant.
Distant and blissful.
Blissful yet erroneous.
Erroneous yet blissful.

(LIGHT YEARS)
I can't breathe.
I urge for a kiss.
The most passionate.
Dream-like; a wishful thinking.
I can't breathe.
I ask for a refuge.
The most understanding.
A shouldn't and a mustn't.
An entity far beyond.
Reachable
yet
light years afar.