Utang na Loob naman oh!

Okay. Okay. Hands up!

What's interesting about me?

Bakit ba para kayong mga bubuyog na nagmamadaling gumawa ng pulot-pukyutan? Utang na loob naman. Hindi naman ako mukhang hot chic para pagbuhusan niyo ng atensyon at oras.

Oo, naghahanap ako ng walang hanggan at tunay na pag-ibig. Pero, mukhang wala sainyo ang hinahanap ko. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all your offers and compliments. I recognize your friendly intentions and warm gestures BUT er, I think this is not the time I need them. Ugh. I know there's nothing wrong in meeting new people. It's just that I am not quite sure if you'll be able, er, to catch up with me?

Alright. I'm messing up. It's non-sense.

I'm just too overwhelmed. Thank you. O____O

Ay! Ano ba yan? Feeling maganda tuloy ako. Hanep. O tapos, ano daw problema ang maabot?hahaha! bring it on!

The Ideal.

At maraming salamat VP, malamang wala ka na namang alam. Hindi mo alam kung gaano mo pinapaganda ang mga mapapanglaw na sandali sa buhay ko. Haha. Seryoso, bigla na lang akong sinipag na naman dahil kelangan kong umalis mamaya at makipagkita sayo (with friends). Haha. Kahit kelan talaga ang hirap mong tanggihan. Pero natanggihan na rin naman yan ng ilang beses. Hahaha. At dahil single ka, ulit, malamang na ima-match tayo ng mga baliw nating kaibigan. Natuwa naman ako. Joke!

Antagal na rin na hindi kita naibibida sa blog ko. At mabuti na rin ito para sakin. Para sa mga baguhan sa blog ko let me introduce to you a very special friend.

Si VP, matagal ko ng kaibigan. High school pa lang nahuhumaling este mabuti na kaming kaibigan. Siya yung tipo ng lalaki na malapit na sa pagiging ideal, base on my standards. Tall, dark and handsome ang kumag. Athletic masyado, swimmer, nagtataekwondo, nagvo-volley ball pati basketball. Katulad ko, mahilig din siyang kumain ng libro, like hell! Tapos niya na rin ang Harry Potter series at karamihan sa libro ni Dan Brown. Dahil mahilig siyang magbasa, may sense rin sya magsulat, lalo na kung poetry. Musikero rin siya, hindi kasing galing ng mga local guitarists pero tiyak may ibubuga.

Maraming alam sakin ang lalaking 'to. Halos takbuhan at subungan ko 'to ng lahat ng galit ko sa mundo. Alam niya kung kelan ako badtrip at alam niya kung kelan ako high. Alam niya ring minahal ko siya. Hahaha. Yeah, I know, I have the guts to tell him. Umpisa palang alam niya na. Pero masyadong gentleman ang mokong ayun, friends for life talaga kami. Globe user 'to. Kaya hayan sya yung dahilan kung bakit nagka-globe ako nung high school. Pagnagmissed call na siya, alam kong dapat na kong mag-unli sa globe at kelangan niya ng kausap. Pagnagmissed call naman ako gamit ang globe, tiyak na maya-maya naka-unli na siya. Ganyan kami ng maraming taon. Tuwing kinakabahan ako sa mga laro ko, gabi palang itetext ko na sya, he never fails to send me "Kayang-kaya mo 'yan! Make me proud!" O diba? kaya paniwalang-paniwala naman akong invincible ako. Kasi kahit matalo, andyan pa rin sya to comfort.


Nung mga kasagsagan na nasa buhay ko pa si 17, kinkulit nya ko kung sino daw yun. Kung nakita nya na ba, kung anong ugali. At ang laging paalala, "Mag-ingat ka, yan na naman." At nung mga oras na falling apart na kami ni 17 at hindi ko alam kung sinong tatakbuhan, isang text ko lang sa kanya eh nakaset na ang date and place ng aming kwentuhan. Kahit pagod galing sa trabaho, anyway, chef/cook sya sa Avenue, basta off nya na, Kopiroti na ang punta nya. Actually, hindi ko naman naikwento sa kanya ang nangyari samin. Magkakape lang kami niyan, magtititigan at pagkwekwentuhan ang ibang bagay. Bigla na lang siyang magsasabing, "Hibi na, kala ko baga problemado ka? Joke! Dae parainitindihon yan. Kadakol pa." Tatahimik na lang ako at hihigop ng kape. Hihirit na lang siya bigla ng wala niyang katapusang litanya na, kumilos naman daw kasi ako na babaeng-babae, mag-inarte raw ako kung minsan, huwag masyadong suplada, at itigil na ang pagiging amasona. Yeah, thanks for summing that up.

Matatapos ang gabi na hindi namin napagkwentuhan ang problema ko. Ayaw niyang marinig, mas mabuti sa pakiramdam ko. At yan kahit mas mauuna dapat siyang bumaba pauwi, ihahatid niya muna ko at bawal tumanggi. Hindi naman talaga ako sa kanya tatanggi.


Naikwento ko na sya sa mga kaklase ko. Tinanong nga ako dati ni Kuya Topsy na kung ira-rank daw ba, sino yung una. Hindi ko kailangang mag-isip, si VP syempre.

Kulang pa ang isang post na 'to para sa kanya.

Walang tatalo sa exchange of books, of notes, of stories, of fears, of dreams namin. Noon.


Bakit sya biglang naging bida na naman? Wala, bigla kasing nagtext at nang-aalok magbeanbag mamayang 8pm. Pagmi-meetingan namin ang gift giving na gagawin sa 25. Ikalawang taon na 'to. Lilibot ulit kami ng Naga to share gifts. O san ka pa? May busilak pang puso.


*to clear things out hindi na ko in lab sa kanya. i had enough. what we have is enough.*

http://ebboflife.blogspot.com/2009/08/after-six-loooong-years.html

check that out para dun sa unang encounter namin after niyang maglagi sa manila.

THY GODDESS IS SAD.

Melancholic night.


The day was fine. Totally fine. Everything's normal and then something went crazy. I missed you. And now, I'm missing you. It strikes me badly. I don't want to miss you. I hate the feeling. All I can do is sit here and wait until you send me an effin message. I sit here telling myself that I shouldn't miss you. I sit here hoping that you'll gather yourself up and tell me how much I mean to you.

I'm sorry. I'm too stubborn not to miss you. Forgive me.


Every time we see each other I wanted to whisper words of endearment but I remembered, I shouldn't do that.

You hold me like no one else does.

Oh crap!

Can we just hate each other?

usapang kape.

Weird. Bakit biglang interesado makipag-kape ang mga tao, specifically ang mga lalaki sakin. I don't mean anything wrong. Nabibigla lang ako sa kaliwa't kanang offer ng kape. Tipong free taste eh. Hahaha. Ay ewan. Pang-aning.

Yung iba sa mga nang-alok eh kaibigan ko, pero yung iba, er, bigla, bigla na lang..

Weird. Nahahawa na yata sakin ang mga tao.

Hay, mas weird pa rin ako. Despite all the friendly gestures people are offering, I only want to indulge in a warm conversation with a hot fudge sundae on my hand while staring at you.

BAKASYON.

Eto na naman ang walang hanggang litanya.

MAMA: O bakasyon tapos lalayas ka na naman? San ka na naman pupunta?
AKO: Sa centro, maghahanap ng prosti, adik, pusher, ex-convict, mamatay tao...
MAMA: Tumigil ka nga Maria Eleanor!
AKO: Totoo naman. O sige, pupunta na lang tuloy ako sa simbahan at magsisimba. Pwede na?
MAMA: Umayos ka sa pagsagot mo.


Hay, bakasyon.

Gusto mong lumabas kahit di naman masyadong gagastos, kaso bawal. Kasi ano? Dapat nasa bahay lang, maglinis, tumulong sa tindahan na maghugas, magbigay ng sabaw. Eeeee.
I get it. Alam ko lahat yan, pero, I don't find it worth doing. Ewan. Masyado lang siguro akong mayabang. Ewan. Darn. Screw me. *sigh*


Ang gusto ko lang eh tunay na bakasyon, yung mag-eenjoy at pag-aari mo ang oras. Hindi yung ganito. Hay, nakalimutan ko, mahirap nga pala kami. Bawal mag-astang prinsesa. Bawal. Hay buhay.

whatever this may sound.

Sabi ni pareng Voltaire,

"Sometimes we let our LOVE go UNEXPRESSED,
especially towards those we LOVE the BEST."

"Salamat," sabi ng Diyosa.

TO DEAREST AL,

I'm soooo flattered! I never thought you'd be missing me. *geez* If only you weren't my friend, I'd suspect you of something else. Hahaha! I'm kidding! You made me smile today. Thank you! Let me post what you sent me this morning.

I missed facebook, I miss you,
I just had to look... did you miss me too? :)
Surprise, surprise, I bet you'd never surmise,
That I'd be writing you, in this style, in this rhyme,
I'm trying my best play of words,
To keep up, to please thy goddess --hoping not to get on thy nerves?! :)
See you some time, see you soon,
I hope my fair lady wouldn't take me for a loon. :))

Geez. Thy goddess is indeed pleased. May my relatives at Mt. Olympus bless you! Hahaha! You made my day! And oh, we bumped into each other just before I'd read your message. The gods are with you. Hahaha! :))

*this post is for you alone*
privilege, right? haha. kidding! ^___^




it's kinda, er, not so good. hihihi..but i hope you'll like it... =)

I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.

TO MY KEWLEST ASSHOLE JERK FOUR-LEAF CLOVER,

I miss you today. I miss you everyday.

I want to hug you tight. But I can't do that. I must not.

Your enthusiasm about all the rap stuff makes me feel good about them.

I don't know. I'm just missing you. Badly.



....And then I stumbled upon an album she posted just now. A photo album that almost says, "BACK OFF! HE'S MINE." Oh well, he's all yours.

*sigh*

Screw driver.

Ten days and it's Christmas, I couldn't care less. I'm loosing my grip. I'm being stressed out by all these random school stuff. Everything seems pointless. There are too many parties to be attended; parties that will take place on the same day and time. Yes, time is really with me. Crap.

___0___

There's a short film contest on January. My gut feeling says I should be joining that contest. I must join. But my rationality tells me I cannot accomplish a well-done short film for a month. Another opportunity that will turn into a night dream. Crap. I cannot pull my writing skills together. To start with, my style of writing isn't fit for films. They are for novels. And my grammar is not even close to perfection. Screw me. *sigh* I don't have the means to direct and produce a film. I don't own a video cam and I don't have the skills of a director. I don't know if I should still pursue this dream or whatever you call it. I'm full of ideas. I want to materialize these ideas but I don't know how. I'm scared. I might quit halfway. Er, this sucks. I feel something inside me. It's a surging passion that wants me to move and shake all the laziness out of my system. Add my cowardice and slothfulness to my overwhelming stubbornness and you will surely get a negative integer multiplied to infinity. I'm starting to feel bad. Enough said.

___0___

Despite the fact that my life's turning upside down, I still find small things amusing. Despite my pessimistic outlook about almost everything else, I still see little surprises fascinating. My several mind-attempts of killing myself is absurd now. Of course, I won't actually kill myself. Oh, that is a stupid thing to do. I love myself more than the sum of Jupiter's mass, more than Romeo have loved Juliet and more than Spaniards' amazement over the spices of the east.

Anyway, someone is helping me to have this uber positive way of thinking. Well, we don't share anything romantic, yet. Hahaha.

nalulungkot ang diyosa

I feel so alone. Let me rephrase that. I feel so lonely. I'm surrounded by a crowd of friends but I still feel empty. Despite all the sour-graping and sugar-coating I still find myself difficult to be loved by others. Why is that so? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I'm vomiting words I have never heard. I'm staring at a place I have never been.

I'm full of love. I'm willing to give more of it, and even all of it.

I want to disclose the deepest me. I want to share my most profound self.

And then there's the rub. No one would want me.

Updates

Okaaaaaaay!

Biggest deal? SILA na ULIT. Pero ironically, I don't give a damn. They're happy, fine. Enough said.


I've been dealing with this fluctuating and indecisive emotion I have for him since months ago. One day, I miss him and the next I don't practically care about him. Yeah, I'm sure I'm still in love with him. But I'm just too rational to push whatever affection left. It's clear. I've got to deal with that cold truth.

Just me

I decided to have a hair cut. Mom only wanted an inch to be trimmed. But I wanted a different look. So this is now the result of our agreement... ^___^

FUN. ^___^

SHAKEY'S = PANALO
COLDSHACK = SARAP
MCDO = SOLB

I had so much fun tonight! :)

Thank you friends!

Sayang mayo si iba... di bale.. next time..

five of my favorites... ^___^

Dito ko na lang pwedeng masabi 'to. :|

Asshole!

Jerk!

I LOVE YOU!

iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou

Evil!

Rude!

i(f) yo(u)'re si(c)k, (k)ay...

Good morning!

Is it possible not to miss him every day? Crap. The feeling is annoying me already. It's driving me mad. I know, I know I should not miss him. I know he's happy with his girl. I know they're happy with each other. I know he doesn't think of me anymore. I know he doesn't care about me, after all it was just less than a month.

But why can't I just get onto my feet and move on? I have clearly understood and accepted that we are not meant for reach other. What's taking me so long to forget him? I miss him every day. And what hurts me is that I can't even tell him my feelings because things are not what they used to be. Bull shit. Yeah, and it's freaking my nerves out pretending that I don't love him. Heaven's sake! I'm in love with a jerk who loves another girl.

Fuck. I just can't do anything but understand the situation, accept that we're not suppose to be with each other, and move the fucking hell on! Great. Great life, indeed. *sarcasm*

inis.

Ewan.

Badtrip ako ngayon sa mga tao sa FB.

Weird. Basta. Inaabot yata ako ngayon ng kamalditahan.

Kasi naman DEAR mga KAIBIGAN...

• Ayokong gumawa ng SPEECH tungkol sa LOVE! Wala ako sa mood. At saka bakit ngayon ka lang nagparamdam kung kelan ka may kailangan?
• Kung alam ko man kung paano gumawa ng VISSION-MISION, hindi pa rin kita gagawan.
  
• Hindi ko problema kung may limang babae kang pinapaasa sa ngayon. Huwag kang magtampo kung bakit hindi kita kinakausap ng maayos. Alam mo kung bakit. Huwag mo silang paasahin, kaibigan, hindi ka ganon ka-gwapo!
• Hindi po ako nagpapa-ambush bigla para magtrain ng high school dahil lang sa ayaw nilang magpatrain sa lalaki.
• Potek! Itigil mo pagtrash talk mo sa EX-LOVER mo! Bull shit! Minahal mo 'yan dati pero ngayon, magpapakampi ka sa kaibigan mo (na gelplend ni 17, hahahaha) at sisiraan siya. Gaga! Sino sainyo ang desperada? Aber?
  
• Huwag kang makulit sa kakatanong. Hindi ako natutuwa sa kawalan ng kahulugan ng lahat ng komento mo. YOU SIMPLY CANNOT COMPREHEND WHAT I SAID. PERIOD.

INHALE-EXHALE. INHALE-EXHALE. INHALE-EXHALE.

Wala naman sanang mali at masama sa mga hinihingi niyo. Sadyang WALA AKO SA MOOD BUONG SEM PARA MAGPAKABAIT. PERIOD.

SORRY NA.

Try niyo ko kausapin next sem, baka sakaling okay na ko. Hahaha.

I don't care if i'm out of the line. I miss you.

Word Play 002 (Broken Solution)

Your gaze brought me both joy and pain.
It's sealed with both a yes and a no.
Your penetrating stare says it all.
Your hesitant eyes reflect decisiveness.

You and her shared a year and more.
You and I have shared not even a month.
You gave her your sweetest smile.
You gave me your saddest story.

She means the world to you.
I meant the blue days to you.
She makes you blissful each day and hour.
I made you happy just when you're down.

You told me I'm a stellar.
Something more than you deserve.
But she's your only light, heart and star.
Something more than my worth.

What we had was ephemeral and love was not in core.
It was nothing but a fleeting delusion.
I was just there to make you hang onto her a moment more.
I'm nothing but a broken solution.

Mind twist.

Afternoon.

3:03pm at my clock.

The sun's heat is scorching.

It beats the temper out of me.

So far, the first Friday of class has been bearable. I got a 9:00 am Political Science class. Our teacher seems to be a good one. He suits the subject and yes, he is good looking. But I don't effin care, as long as he teaches good, he'll be pleasing to my eyes.
Our next subject is scheduled at 12 noon. I haven't had the chance to go home. I did have the chance, I just don't want to. Anyway, we passed the Xavier hall and stayed there for a couple of minutes after which, they decided to take their lunch meal.

I saw him. One of my friends stared at me as if I'm going to walk out any moment. But it didn't happen. Why should I do that in the first place? He chatted with us. Hugged Kim. Crap. I know. I miss him. And during the lunch meal, we saw him again. He was able to sit on a chair just in front of me. Guess what? I can't look at him. Hahaha! Yes, and here's the rub. I caught myself staring at the vast space and smiling (grinning, I think). The smile faded and then we went to our class.


------
We had an inside joke. I made it up accidentally while I'm trying to explain what happened and that I'm ALMOST doing fine.

Here's the gesture joke:

*CLAPS* make it three claps
*DRAWS AN ARCH IN MIDAIR*
*FOLLOWS THE TRAIL WITH A STARE*
end it with, "Uto na, nagbalik na. Luminayog na pabalik."

Yeah, I know that I'm making fun of myself. Hahahaha! I need a good laugh. Hahaha! I made MYSELF laugh with MY OWN joke. Talking about MISS INDEPENDENT? ^___^

-------


While still pondering about what everyone told me, "Everything happens for a reason...blah.blah.blah.", a realization hit me.

It is not "EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON."

It is "EVERYTHING HAPPENED BECAUSE OF A REASON." (Haig,2010) Hahaha! Quoted myself...Haha!

I'll ponder more about it next time...